The Supremely Satisfying Tittybong

I realize you’re supposed to finish a book before you write a book report on it, but 1) I’m really enjoying this one, and 2) I’m bored and want to virtual-talk to somebody, and c) who knows, I could die tomorrow, and everyone would be at the wake lamenting, “If only there’d been more time. Now we’ll never get the chance to ask Chuck if he enjoyed In a Sunburned Country by Bill Bryson.” (In case I drop dead while blogging: the answer is yes, I’m enjoying it a lot).

When I was reading A Short History of Nearly Everything, I said that I was really impressed with Bryson’s writing but was frustrated with how he handled the material. While a historian and magazine columnist writing about science didn’t work well for me, a humorist writing travel memoirs works great.

For starters, it’s about Australia. Who doesn’t love Australia? Satanists, that’s who. And possibly New Zealanders, which is just about the same thing. The impression you get from In a Sunburned Country is that the country has the most bizarre and inhospitable environment on the planet, with the friendliest people in the world trying to counter-balance that.

The book is also funny as hell. I was sold as soon as I read the passage where Bryson describes himself falling asleep in someone’s car:

Most people when they nod off look as if they could do with a blanket; I look as if I could do with medical attention. I sleep as if injected with a powerful experimental muscle relaxant. My legs fall open in a grotesque come-hither manner; my knuckles brush the floor. Whatever is inside — tongue, uvula, moist bubbles of intestinal air — decides to leak out. From time to time, like one of those nodding-duck toys, my head tips forward to empty a quart or so of viscous drool onto my lap, then falls back to begin loading again with a noise like a toilet cistern filling.

Reading that was the first time I’ve laughed out loud at a book since I first found Roy Blount Jr.’s stuff. And he’s consistent; the book is filled with genuinely funny passages; even when he goes for the corny or predictable joke, it’s hilarious.

The best surprise of the book for me is that it’s reminded me to drop the preconceived ideas I have about people. Not Australians, in particular — the country as described in the book matches pretty well with how I’ve always imagined it — but people in general. I was pretty dismissive of Bill Bryson’s books, figuring anything that popular can’t possibly be good. I assumed they were light, and easy to read (both of which are true, it turns out), and full of Country Home Companion-style heartwarming, wry humor. I imagined the target audience, like Bryson himself, were suburban mid-westerners in their 50s who had excess income and leisure time they wanted to fill with something mildly adventurous. In short, the CBS crowd.

That was dispelled the first couple of times he said “fuck” and described himself drawing a cartoon about salmon masturbating. It sounds as if all you have to do is cuss and make giggling jokes about sex to keep me entertained, and while that’s true, that’s not my point. In fact, my point is the opposite. We’ve gotten so used to the idea that comedy has to be “edgy” to be funny, that it’s become just as tired a stereotype as the opposite. I suspect that people are a lot less sheltered and tightly-wound than we imagine them to be, and when your whole schtick is built around shocking people, more often than not you’re just being boorish.

The real talent isn’t in taking it upon yourself to shock people out of their complacent Father Knows Best existence, it’s having the subtlety and nuance to recognize exactly when saying “fuck” makes the joke. I’m glad I was wrong to be so dismissive about Bryson; he’s a lot more talented than I’d assumed.

Taiko

It’s coming up on November again, which means another International Taiko Festival in Berkeley and another post where I tell people they should check it out. The tickets are more than a little pricey, but it’s usually a spectacular show. If anybody out there’s planning to go, let me know so’s I don’t have to sit there by myself.

Until then, I’ve got the first of my home movies from Tokyo up on the interweb. I’d been hoping to see a genuine taiko performance in Japan, but didn’t know where to look. On one of my days off, I was headed through Yoyogi Park on the way to the Meiji Shrine, followed the sound of far-off drumming, and wandered right into the middle of the Tokyo Sri Lanka Festival. There I caught the tail end of a taiko performance on stage. I don’t speak or read Japanese, so I don’t know the name of the group that was performing.

The videos suffer a little from the compression, and the fact that I can’t hold a camera steady on account of my condition, but the basic idea’s there. Here’s their final performance (about 7 minutes):

and its encore (about 2 and a half minutes):

Hellboy: Sword of Storms

Mr. BoyThe Cartoon Network is airing an animated Hellboy movie called “Hellboy: Sword of Storms” this Saturday at 6:30pm. I’d heard about the series at the local comic book convention last year, but it’d dropped off my radar until seeing it in a magazine this week.

Because it’s 2006, you can find an online production diary for the series in blog format. I haven’t read it yet, part of my stay-completely-unspoiled policy (which is cleverly disguised as having no free time at all).

My knee-jerk impression based on nothing other than the pictures on that blog: it looks like a more standard animation style than trying to do an exact duplicate of Mike Mignola’s style. That could be good or bad; The Amazing Screw-on Head was clearly made by people who were huge fans of the comic book and ended up being a slavish reproduction. It was neat to see my favorite comic book in motion on a major network, or even the Sci-Fi Channel, but at the same time it felt like there was nothing there I hadn’t already seen. And I haven’t seen or heard anything about the continuation of that series, so I’m assuming it didn’t make a huge impression.

Hellboy (apparently it’s intended to be a series) looks like it’s going for a more easily-animated style, and the synopsis of Sword of Storms sounds like it’s faithful to the comics while leaving plenty of room to be an ongoing action-heavy series. If you want to grab the anime market, start your story in Japan: good idea.

At this point, I’m expecting to have the same reaction as I did to the movie: good effort, nice to see the characters in motion, but on the whole basically forgettable. I’m open to being pleasantly surprised, though.

A bum, which is what he is

Contender blah blah blahFor years I’ve had a list of movies I need to see to become “movie literate.” Mostly they’re ones I don’t particularly want to see, I just feel like I owe it to myself to get more cultured but without all that tedious reading. And I’ve been quoting them for so long, I feel like I owe it to the moviemakers to actually know what I’m talking about.

I may rethink that homework assignment, though, if all the movies suck as much as On the Waterfront. How did this thing ever get to be a classic?

It’s speechy, and ham-handed, and actually pretty gross in its message and characterizations. It acts like there’s this difficult moral ambiguity going on, when there is none. It’s clear from scene one what’s the right thing to do, and you spend almost two hours just waiting for this loathesome, affected idiot to just do it already. It’s insulting to women, because Eva Marie Saint’s character is nothing more than a stupid girl who digs Bad Boys and will abandon any moral compass she supposedly has just to hang out with one.

And it’s got the worst kind of faux-Populist attitude, where a bunch of filmmakers act like they’re down with the Common Man and they understand the honor and code that comes with life on the docks. But the movie shows the people as nothing more than spineless idiots and bums. They’re not regular joes who are put in a difficult position; in this movie, they’re cowards who will stand by while people get murdered right in front of them.

Of course, the whole business with Elia Kazan and the HUAC is pretty gross, too. Especially when he expects us to feel sympathy for this conscienceless moron who says he’s just trying to do the right thing and doesn’t understand why all the guys gotta be so mean to him and kill his pigeons. But the movie’s bad enough even without Kazan’s attempts to make himself out as a martyr.

I really don’t understand the appeal of this one, at all. I even tried to think that it’s all about context, and maybe it was brilliant in its day. But Rear Window came out the same year, proving that Hollywood could tolerate subtle performances, complex plots, and intelligent women. I thought the US was done with ham-handed, insulting “message movies” as soon as Frank Capra stopped making them.

I always thought that Best Picture winners were at least supposed to be watchable, even if they weren’t really enjoyable or even all that good. Now I’m afraid to see A Beautiful Mind.

You Taste Like Fish Biscuits

Polar Bear picture Copyright philg@mit.eduDirecTV still sucks. I’ve been trapped in my apartment since Wednesday, missing all the rich, juicy television that’s been airing, waiting for the FedEx guy to finally show up with my new receiver. Now I’ve got to be trapped in my apartment Monday as well, waiting for a service guy to come out and fix the new receiver.

The tech support person on the phone kept going on about how these new receivers were so much in demand, and every time I pointed out that they don’t work, she found a way to spin it. I’m one of the lucky few to be on the bleeding edge of technology, apparently. Ditching TiVo to make their own bug-ridden and less-functional PVR wasn’t a colossally selfish and short-sighted business move on DirecTV’s part, it’s the beginning of a brave new world.

Anyway, the point of all that is that I finally got caught up with the last two episodes of “Lost” by watching them in tiny, pixelated format on ABC’s website. I liked them better than I liked the season premiere, but the whole thing still feels weird. Not the kind of weird that you watch “Lost” for in the first place, but the kind of weird where you can’t quite tell what the people making the show are doing.

It seems like they suddenly forgot how to make a great show and are feeling their way back to it, just based on somebody else’s written description of the series. (And yeah, I said “suddenly.” Remember that I think that season 2 was great.) They know that an island’s involved, and strange things keep happening, and the characters have flashbacks, and didn’t somebody mention a polar bear at one point?

(By the way, spoilers apply from here on out, in case you haven’t seen the two episodes).

So each episode has a really cool sequence — the guy landing on Jin’s car, and Locke’s vision quest. After each, I thought, “Yes! This is the show I got into.” But by the end of each episode, I was back to thinking, “Wha? But I… huh?” The flashbacks seem unfinished; are they going to be extending them across multiple episodes now? What’s the resolution of the guy landing on Jin’s car? Did he really just jump, and that’s the whole story? I kept waiting for Sun to flash back, right before she shot one of the Others, to show her pushing the dude out the window.

And what about Locke’s flashback? The whole point was for him to say he used to be a farmer but now he’s a hunter? No sudden gruesome death of undercover police guy? The pot farmers get arrested, and that’s what he meant by “bad things happen to people who hang around me?” I can see why he waited 69 days for that flashback, because that’s a totally boring memory.

On the whole, it seems like they’ve only got enough material for three episodes, and they’re trying to stretch them out to fill six. And the big revelations are okay, I guess, but they’re stretched out to the point where my reaction isn’t “whoa!” but “whatever.” Jack is going to be tempted to betray his friends, okay, and… here, look at the Red Sox winning the World Series! How weird is that? And Desmond can now remember the future. Yep, he sure can. Look at him, there, standing there on the beach, rememberin’. Hurley sure is freaked out by that, even though that rates about a 4 on the scale of Weird Shit Happening On This Island.

There are three episodes left to go, and hopefully my TV situation will be worked out by the time the next one airs. One of the creators has said that by the end of the sixth, before the hiatus, there’ll be this major revelation that takes the show in a whole new direction that nobody saw coming. I hope they’ve got the goods to deliver.

Jetlag is the worst kind of lag

EX TERM I NATE!Do you know what’s the best thing to do for jetlag your first night back home? If you said, “sleep through the day, then stay up all night watching a marathon of ‘Doctor Who’ episodes on DVD,” you’re wrong! Don’t worry, though, because that was my answer at first, too.

I’m definitely no stranger to unnatural circadian rhythms, but being this far out of sync is weird, even for me. Usually I can have a somewhat normal day, just offset a few hours from the rest of the world. Today and yesterday have felt as if I’m stuck in some kind of limbo — I can’t do anything, and can’t seem to get back on track.

It doesn’t help that I had to stay by the apartment all day waiting for the FedEx guy to not show up. I’m still without a functional satellite box, so I’m missing all the TV shows airing this week in addition to all the ones I missed last week. “Lost” and “Battlestar Galactica” and even “Heroes” and “How I Met Your Mother” are all going on without me, and I’ve been trapped here without any contact with non-televised humans, either.

On the bright side, though, I can’t say enough how much I like the new(-ish) “Doctor Who”. The ones I watched ended with a two-parter set during the London blitz, and it’s the two most enjoyable hours of television I’ve seen in a long time. Everything in the story was telegraphed way ahead, and none of the “surprises” in the plot were all that surprising. But still by the end of it all, I was laughing at just how well-told a story it was, and by how well the ending worked. It’s not going for gritty realism or “adult” complexity; it’s just great, well-crafted storytelling.

And creepy as hell in parts, too. You can tell that the creators of the new “Doctor Who” are going for the same kinds of indelible images imprinted on them from the original series, more of an iconic, emotional reaction than a cerebral one. It’s the same kind of phenomenon that lets us instantly recognize a Dalek and the “EX…TERM…I…NATE!” cry even if we don’t remember watching the original series. And I think the image of a gas-mask wearing boy who wanders the streets of London during air raids, repeatedly asking “Are you my mummy?” is something that won’t be going away any time soon.

Bad-touching the Internets

  • If you missed last Sunday’s “Venture Brothers,” like I did, because DirecTV sucks, and they broke their deal with TiVo to reinvent the wheel and release a buggy-as-hell crippled DVR that you have to use if you want HDTV but it breaks just a few days after you get it and so you have to go without TV until they send you a new one, then don’t worry!

    It’s available on Adult Swim’s “Fix” site but won’t be for long. The episode was called “Showdown at Cremation Creek” and is a 2-parter. Make sure you click the link quick, or you’ll have to watch a promo for “Squidbillies.”

  • SciFi.com has interviews with Grace Park from “Battlestar Galactica” where she answers questions posted on the message board. I know I came down hard on hot geeks earlier, but I get a funny feeling deep down inside when I see her talk about Cylons and how Boomer is not the same character as Sharon.

    Seriously, I get a real kick out of seeing and reading interviews with the “hot” cast members of the show, because they all seem into it. They’re not in denial about whether it’s science fiction or political drama; they’re completely aware of what they’re making and they’re putting their energy into making it work, even if it means having to know the difference between a Viper and a Raider.

  • According to 43folders.com and upcoming.org, John Hodgman is reading from his book The Areas of My Expertise in San Francisco this Thursday.
  • The New York Times Magazine ran a long article about Spore (registration may be required). It doesn’t really cover anything you haven’t heard before if you’ve been following the game, but it does give a little perspective.

    Most interesting to me was the quote from Will Wright: “I’ve had a few people ask me if I think Spore will help teach evolution, and the ironic thing is that, if anything, we’re teaching intelligent design. I’ve seen a few games that relied on evolution — I’ve even designed some of them — and it’s just not as fun.”

  • Check out Dave Grossman’s Pumpkin House of Horrors. No new entry yet for this year, but it’ll help you get in the mood. (For Halloween).

We Can Rebuild Her

"My Sleep Comfort bed helps me forget all the cares of my everyday life."An entry on the Sci Fi Wire blog says that David Eick, one of the creators of the new “Battlestar Galactica,” is planning a “complete reconceptualization” of the series “The Bionic Woman”.

I called some of my contacts in the industry and obtained a top-secret document detailing the proposed story arc for the first season:

Prologue
A series of 8 “webisodes” available exclusively on SciFi.com, detailing the work of the brilliant doctor who comes up with bionic technology. After her most important breakthrough, operatives from a rival technology firm kidnap the doctor in an action-packed sequence. They then rape her, steal her blueprints and her ovaries, bury her alive, make fraudulent charges on her credit cards, dig her up, rape her again, then murder her. Runs May through July with strong lead-in to August season pilot.

Episodes 1-2 (Pilot)
Career woman with promising career is told she’s infertile. Thrown into depression, she develops eating disorder then gradually more self-destructive behavior. Leaves fiance, takes up extreme sports. Final 30 minutes of episode 2 shows skydiving accident in prolonged, horrific detail.

Episode 3
Cut between flashbacks to skydiving accident and invasive medical procedures. Pronounced dead. Misogynist military biotech expert proposes bionic enhancement, has difficulties with his own marriage and deals with death of his mother.

Episode 4
More flashbacks of skydiving accident, invasive bionic medical procedures. Biotech expert develops drinking problem.

Episode 5
Physical therapy, frustration and suicide attempts, addiction to pain killers. Cliffhanger: military presents incalculable medical bills, only way to repay is to work as covert gov’t operative.

Episode 6
While in gov’t training, bionic woman fails to save little girl from oncoming train. Wracked with guilt. Shadowy figure pleased at success of gov’t’s new “omega weapon.”

Episodes 7-10
Black ops missions in Afghanistan and the Sudan. Supporting cast introduced, killed. Bionic woman deals with secret drug addiction, wracked with guilt over death of little girl.

Episodes 11-12
Two parter. Bionic woman forced to assassinate her ex-fiance (an upcoming presidential candidate) and his new wife.

Episode 13
Bionic woman teams with Sasquatch to fight evil Soviet fembots. (Sweeps)

Episodes 14-20
Cancer.

Episode 21
Remission.

Episode 22
More cancer.

Episode 23
Problems with aural implant lead to suspicions of schizophrenia. Suspected mole in agency, evil twin of her biotech expert primary contact. One is rigged with explosives to blow up the Pentagon. Who can she trust?

Episode 24
Bionic arm goes awry, killing Pope. Wracked with guilt.

Episodes 25-26
Meets rival agent, falls in love. Discovers he is also equipped with bionics. Make elaborate plans to leave their respective agencies and escape to obscure island in S. Pacific. Elopement. New husband is killed in horrific wedding night malfunction. She is charged with murder. Was it all a set-up? (Cliffhanger)

How not to make “Event Horizon”

As our lives get increasingly hectic and confusing, it becomes dangerously more and more likely that one of us is bound to look up from what he’s been doing and suddenly realize, “Oh, shit. I just made Event Horizon.”

Paul W.S. Anderson has lived through this experience, and he’ll tell you the only way that he can manage to get through it is that he can also say, “Holy shit. I just had sex with Milla Jovovich.”

But don’t get too paranoid and frozen into inaction. It’s easy not to make Event Horizon. Thousands of filmmakers do it every day. You just have to remember a few simple rules:

1. Don’t make Event Horizon.
Seems obvious, I know, but sometimes the most obvious things can be ignored. Travel back to 1997. DOOM the videogame has already been out for four years, Solaris has been out for twenty-five, and Alien for eighteen. Someone comes to you with a movie pitch about a sci-fi/horror hybrid about a derelict spaceship bringing back something horrible from a Hell dimension and the rag-tag band of space military sent to investigate. While it’s obvious to us that there’s absolutely nothing novel about the concept and making such an inessential film would be a colossal waste of time, we still somehow ended up with Event Horizon.

2. Know your art direction.
If you can, ask your concept artist if you can meet him and take a look around his office. Note your surroundings. Are there more than two H.R. Geiger books on his bookshelf? If so, first ask whether he or she received them as a gift. Then ask whether you want to be showing your audience something that they’d already seen eighteen years ago.

3. Take a look at the concept art before you give the approval to begin building it.
Once you’ve received the concept art, take a few minutes to examine it. It sounds obsessive-compulsive, sure, but believe me: a few minutes spent here will save you hours later trying to explain yourself to the critics. Ask yourself a few key questions:

  1. Wasn’t this better when it was called Alien? Or Aliens? Or Outland? Or Contact? Or 2001: A Space Odyssey? Or Hellraiser?
  2. Why would a spaceship’s engine core have intricate goth metal shapes all along the walls, when the rest of the ship is late-70s what-a-deep-space-spaceship-would-look-like?
  3. Or giant goth metal spikes coming out of the walls?
  4. Can we not work a surfeit of chains and a giant razor-sharp pendulum into the picture?
  5. Considering this is a horror movie, and the script doesn’t call for anyone to be impaled on said goth metal spikes, even though one character falls from a great height into the engine core and somehow manages to completely avoid the dozens of spikes on the walls, could they be hurting the design more than helping it?

4. Don’t be afraid to re-write your script.
I know, I know. More work! But it’s an initial investment that will be paid back ten-fold when you see the delight on your audience’s faces when they realize they don’t have to sit through another movie with a wisecracking black guy who survives against all odds. Take a shot at differentiating the two completely indistinguishable gruff, hard-as-nails white guy crew members. Since your plot involves the forces of hell working on your characters’ worst fears, why not give each one more back-story? Or, some?

5. Have an ending in mind when you begin filming.
Movies take a long time to film, so it can seem like you’ve got all the time in the world to come up with a way to wrap everything up. But more often than not, you’re going to be wicked busy during filming, and won’t have time to tie up all the loose ends. After a few days of shooting for 20 hours straight, you might even answer the question, “Didn’t the main villain just get very visibly and dramatically sucked out the front window of the spaceship?” with something as crazy as “The ship teleports him back.”

6. Hire an editor.
After all that shooting, you’re going to end up with a lot of film. What’s needed now is someone who’ll put those pieces of film together in an intelligible manner. It’s what separates the tight, suspenseful pacing of classic horror from a bunch of completely random scenes thrown on-screen with no discernible sequence or connection.

Now, Anderson claimed that the studio mandated all kinds of cuts to the movie to make it less gory and more palatable to the action-movie crowd, and he threatens promises to release a director’s cut someday. So I’ll concede that one, to a point. The trailer included on the DVD shows a bunch of clips that didn’t appear in the movie, with more background on Sam Neill’s character, more suspenseful build-up to finding records of the Event Horizon in the first place, better explanations of what’s going on in the ship instead of lines of dialogue inserted randomly, etc. Those would’ve helped a lot.

However, no amount of added footage or context could make sense out of that ending. Unless the studio mandate wasn’t just to cut stuff, but to replace the cut scenes with pure suck, there’s no denying that Anderson actually filmed Laurence Fishburne and the already-dead Sam Neill duking it out in the goth metal engine room.

7. Ask yourself if life is imitating art.
One of the recurring motifs of the movie is that people keep telling Sam Neill’s character he was wrong to make the Event Horizon. Coincidence?

8. If all else fails, take it home.
If you’ve for whatever reason ignored all these rules and still somehow made Event Horizon, just run with it. Don’t just do the Carrie thing with Pinhead Sam Neill showing up and “it was just a horrifying dream!” Take the guy who survived getting thrown naked out of an airlock even though his eyes were bleeding, and have him break out of his holding tank and start ripping out intestines. Have a demon send the ship back towards Earth and then laugh as the camera zooms into his mouth, then have the screen say “The End?!?” Show KISS jumping through the hellgate, or even the Harlem Globetrotters. Just do something, anything to make this movie have one original moment.

9. Trust no one.
After you’ve made Event Horizon, you may be tempted to watch it. You may ask friends what they thought of it. This is a bad idea, because people lie. They will describe it as “a flawed gem.” They will, with a straight face, describe it as “one of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen,” even though there’s absolutely nothing in the movie that’s remotely frightening (and this is coming from someone who wets himself at grocery store Halloween displays).

The remake of Solaris is not a horror movie, but a sedate, pensive philosophical drama that asks what it means to exist as an individual, how we know ourselves, and how we know others. And it’s a hundred billion times scarier and more unsettling than Event Horizon.

They will even say that it’s a good campy horror movie until its horrible ending, which is the worst kind of lie, because it’s half-true. Your Event Horizon truly does have a horrible, stupid ending. And you’ll remember Resident Evil fondly as being good, campy fun horror with some memorable moments. So you’ll be tempted to watch. And the only thing you’ll take away from the movie is one line of dialogue: “Hell is just a word. The reality is much worse.”

Bleak House

Victorian Zombies!Tonight I watched hours and hours of two series that have a lot in common: 1) they’re both shown on the SciFi channel, 2) they’re both revamps of notoriously nerd-ridden franchises, and 3) they’re both awesome.

Battlestar Galactica
Nothing cheers up a Friday like suicide bombings, descriptions of eyes getting plucked out, nighttime death squad abductions, stolen ovaries, abandoned and unwanted babies, and mass execution by firing squad! TGIF!

If there’s any doubt left that this is a well-made show, I’ll tell you it has to be. Because I wouldn’t put up with something this grim and depressing if it weren’t. At one point, Adama says, “things are going to be okay,” which really puts his intelligence into question. Dude, look around you. In the past three years, when has anything been “okay?” The only bright spot I have to hold onto is that as miserable as they all are, they’re still anal-retentive enough to cut the corners off all their paper, and even the windows of their computer displays. Well, that and the promise of seeing Fat Apollo get chewed out.

But then they have scenes like the first ones with Starbuck and her new roommate, which are cool enough to make the whole thing worthwhile. I’m kind of skeptical that a magic squad of paratroopers descends on the firing squad and whisks everyone away to freedom, so things aren’t looking too good for Apollo v1.0.

Annihilation!After watching tonight’s episode, I remembered a “Battlestar Galactica” comic book I had when I was younger and a huge fan of the original series. The cover had a drawing of people running away from Cylon Raiders as buildings fell and laser bolts hit all over the place. The title of it was “ANNIHILATION!” I remember thinking at the time how incredibly cool it was, and having to look up the word “annihilation” because I didn’t know what it meant.

Even armed with the definition, it never registered with me how the show I was watching was a goofy, happy-go-lucky take on the near-total obliteration of the human race. Or that Starbuck’s girlfriend Cassiopeia was a prostitute. So apparently, the story’s in the telling. There are a lot of really interesting aspects to the universe and the premise of the show that were there all along, just hidden under layers of cheesy 80s television.

Doctor Who
Much like “Doctor Who.” I’ve only seen a smattering of episodes from the original series — I’ve never seen an episode with the Daleks, even — and I was never a fan. I tried, I really did, because it just seemed like something I should like. A time-traveling alien, a robot dog, monsters, pretty-but-British-so-they’re-not-so-pretty-as-to-be-inaccessible women, and the second best theme song in TV history*. How could it go wrong?

A lot of ways, it turns out. Obviously, after Star Wars and “Battlestar Galactica” the special effects were going to be a disappointment. But there was still something about it that never grabbed me as a kid; it seemed too talky and distant, like it was aimed at very dour British children.

So the new revamp of the series has gotten a lot of hype, and it turns out it’s all deserved. I watched the first DVD of the first season, not the new ones that started airing tonight on SciFi.

It’s just great. The interviews with the exec producer and writers reveal that it was made by people who grew up with the show and dreamed of writing for it ever since they were little. But you don’t really need the interviews to see that; it comes through in everything. They captured everything that makes the premise so appealing, but with well-written stories from a post-Douglas Adams England.

It’s not just the special effects that have caught up with the concept, it’s the tone and quality of writing. The British have always cornered the market on clever, and here’s a great example of it all working. It’s funny without being campy or too ironic, clever without being condescending, fun without being inconsequential, serious without being too dark and heavy.

And the last bit is what baffles me. When I was younger, I never understood that in the UK, “Doctor Who” was targeted towards kids. It definitely wasn’t like children’s programming in the US; it seemed closer to “Star Trek” than anything I was supposed to be watching. With the new series, they’re clearly targeting a wider audience; in the DVD special features, the lead actor describes it as aimed at the whole family, which is the kind of thing you’re supposed to say on a press tour interview.

But just in the first three episodes, we’ve seen the destruction of the Earth, speeches about how time is fleeting and everything around us is going to die, two characters sacrificing themselves for the good of others, at least four violent deaths of speaking characters, and scores of reanimated Victorian-era zombies. I realize I had a very sheltered childhood, where I always got the Disney version of every story and still wasn’t even allowed to see Old Yeller, but it still seems a lot darker than what most American kids are used to seeing.

I’m not saying they shouldn’t, of course — the show is a hell of a lot of fun, and probably American kids need to get toughened up anyway. I’m just interested in how there can be that wide a cultural divide. We get Disney and Dr. Seuss, they get Roald Dahl.

Also, did I mention the scores of reanimated Victorian-era zombies? The show rocks so hard.

* Of course, “Space: 1999” had the best.

On Dharma-tattooed sharks and the metaphorical jumping thereof

Newcomer Juliet encounters the mysterious "Others" in ABC's hit action drama series "Lost"If there’s one thing I learned from that lame “Lost Experience” game that ran over the summer, it was this: don’t let marketing guys create content.

Actually, it was this: however “Lost” does end, it’s going to be a disappointment.

My first reaction after seeing the final wrap-up of the game (youtube is down at the moment, so I can’t link to it) was that it was just unforgivably bad. But after thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that the concept itself wasn’t too terrible, it was just presented in about the worst way possible. If it hadn’t had such terrible, clumsy acting; if the series writers had been in charge of the pacing; and if it weren’t wrapped up in crass marketing disguised as a ridiculously complicated “alternate reality game,” it could actually be a decent resolution to a lot of the mysteries in the show.

After three-plus years of build-up, however they decide to wrap up the big questions of the series is going to feel small and anti-climactic. But once you realize that it’s not the resolutions that are key, it’s how the stories are told, you can really appreciate what a great job they’re doing with the series.

Just in the two weeks leading up to the season premiere, I heard or read about a dozen people in magazines, online, in person, and in the blog comments talking about how season 2 was a huge disappointment. It was meandering and pointless and dropped storylines and never had a pay-off.

Well, I loved season 2 as it was airing, and I re-watched much of it after I got the DVDs, and I think it was outstanding. The season opener was every bit as amazing and intriguing as the series pilot was. The story went off in a whole new direction while still staying true to the central premise — getting into the minds of these characters and finding out what events made them the way they were at the time of the crash.

Over the course of the season, they really, genuinely answered a ton of questions. What’s in the hatch? What happened to the tail-enders? What did Kate do to get arrested? What does the smoke monster do? What happens if you try to leave the island? Is Michael an evil douchebag, or just an annoying one? Who were the people on the boat that took Walt? What caused the plane crash? How did that prop plane crash on the island? Is the island a real place? What happens to the people who get kidnapped by the Others? Is Locke the only one who got “healed” by the island? Are major characters really going to be killed off? What happens if you don’t enter the numbers? They don’t needlessly stretch out the reveals, like “The X-Files” did, but instead give real answers that lead to a bunch more questions.

The season 3 premiere was tonight and, well, I think it was a huge disappointment. It was meandering and pointless and dropped storylines and never had a pay-off.

Well, maybe not, but it did feel to me like they’d built up a ton of momentum with the season 2 finale and failed to carry it through. The opening didn’t really do anything to surprise me (after two of the best season-openers in the history of television), and the rest of the episode didn’t say anything that we couldn’t have already inferred from the reveals of last year.

I’m sure it’ll pick up, but it’s kind of a let-down to spend months wondering about all the questions raised in the last season finale, only to get an episode where all we learn is that Jack is stubborn and had issues with his father. Where’s Penny and the arctic monitoring station? Or Michael and strange-powered Walt? Or the aftermath of the explosion? Or Sayid’s part-pregnant assault team on the boat? I already know we’re not going to get answers, and I’m fine with that. I just wish they would’ve started out not by telling us stuff we already knew.

The Blue and the Greying

From L-R: Sherman, Mr. PeabodySeveral years ago, someone recommended I watch Sherman’s March: a Meditation to the Possibility of Romantic Love in the South During an Era of Nuclear Weapons Proliferation. I’m glad I waited so long to finally see it.

The premise of the movie is that filmmaker Ross McElwee received a grant to film a documentary about Gen. Sherman’s march through the south, but just before he was to leave to begin filming, his girlfriend left him for her ex. No longer interested in a Civil War documentary, McElwee meandered through Georgia and South Carolina, roughly following Sherman’s route of destruction, spending the entire time trying to hook up with various eccentric southern women.

The movie’s more engaging than it has a right to be, considering it’s three hours of a neurotic guy lamenting his desperation and ogling women’s chests and thighs. Taken at face value, it’s an extremely personal and self-effacing document of people’s attempts to find meaning in their lives and someone to share their lives with — that story, it tells well.

But after over 20 years of enforced cynicism and the unwelcome onset of video blogs, it’s difficult not to see the layer of artifice there. McElwee says in voice-over that he’s lost himself along the way, to the point that he’s filming his life just to have a life to film. But there’s still the nagging sense that he’s created a caricature to star in the movie, cribbing character traits from Woody Allen and Albert Brooks’ fictional selves and passing them off as himself.

He dresses as a Civil War soldier for a costume party, then delivers a drunken late-night monologue to the camera about how Sherman was a tragic figure and how he can relate. He starts to deliver a documentary-style speech about Sherman at a war memorial site before stumbling out of frame by a river bank. It just comes across as fake and threatens to ruin the believability of the rest of the movie.

It’s a pretty minor complaint over all, since the movie does what it’s presented to do, it has some genuine insight, and it actually manages to convey as much real information about Gen. Sherman as you’d retain from a “real” documentary. But it teeters uncomfortably on the edge of open, honest, personal filmmaking as it is, and I have to wonder if a few more years will make it seem insufferably self-indulgent.

Speaking of being insufferably self-indulgent: what I liked best about it was seeing the south of my middle-school years, the real south as I remember it before the strip malls and subdivisions and Republicanism sucked the soul out of it.

He goes to Stone Mountain and rides the skylift and the train around the park. We see shots of Atlanta’s old skyline, when you could still see the blue hamburger. He shows bits of Savannah and the coastal islands. He shows how even the cities in Georgia had an empty, hot, rural feel to them. He shows conspiracy freaks, vacuous discussions about religion, and morbidly obese mechanics wearing white T-shirts stretched to their limit. It’d come across as more stereotyping if I hadn’t been there and seen plenty of people exactly like that.

There’s a scene where first meets one of his targets as she’s singing with a band outside a Sears in South Carolina — that kind of image perfectly sums up southern suburbs in the early 80s to me: hot, strangely desolate, and just weird.

After being hit with that kind of nostalgia, then seeing these people all desperate for something to give their lives meaning — a job, a bomb shelter, or a girlfriend — it was hard not to feel as morose and insomniac as McElwee. Has it really been that long since I was there? What have I been doing since then that’s of any importance? I’m now as old as he was when he made the movie; why do they keep referring to each other as “middle-aged?” How come I can’t stand to be back there for too long now, but still feel strangely out of place out here?

The movie’s got enough deadpan humor and clever editing that it never feels too depressing or self-indulgent. But this feeling of desperation and tragedy and yearning for some bit of satisfaction you can’t find at home, that lingers after the movie ends. So I guess that makes it art.