The internet doesn’t need to know the details, but my reaction to the election results last night and this morning were enough — and were physiological enough — to convince me that I haven’t been keeping it together as well as I’d thought. And I’d thought I’d been doing pretty bad at it.
So while it’d be better if I could share something meaningful about resistance and defiance and strength and resolve in the face of evil, that’s just not me, realistically. For about as long as I can remember, people have been yelling that it’s selfish and irresponsible not to be deeply concerned about politics, and I’ve believed them. Social media has amplified that, blurring the line of what constitutes genuine activism, and loading us all with more stress than I think any of us are equipped to handle. Maybe it is selfish and irresponsible, but I prefer to think that it’s simply being more conscious of the tremendous gap between awareness and influence. It accomplishes nothing for any of us to be filled with concern and anxiety over something that we have no control over.
I don’t feel naive, or regret the couple of months I let myself feel hopeful because of the Harris/Walz campaign. I’m grateful for it. It was a great feeling, after years of feeling my hope just dwindle and flicker, to let it flare up again, to say this is what I believe in, this is what I value. They did so much to fight cynicism. And I believe it worked, for me at least, because what I’m feeling isn’t rooted in blame, or second-guessing, or suspicion. I got the chance to declare what I believe in. And there’s no longer any need to give other voters the benefit of the doubt — they clearly chose what they believe in, and they said that the things I value don’t matter.
Unlike 2016, when people like me tried to find sages online who could explain exactly what went wrong, where the Democrats failed, and what we could all do better next time, I don’t feel any need to look at post mortems. Vice President Harris and Governor Walz connected with people, and they had so much support that they’d raised over a billion dollars. And it somehow still wasn’t enough. The message there isn’t to try harder; it’s that the current system simply isn’t working.
And I hope I can finally just come to terms with the fact that I don’t have an answer, and I don’t have to have an opinion. I’ve spent the last few months formulating and clarifying my opinions and putting my money behind the people I want to support, and keeping up to date on the news because it was encouraging again, and it’s been at the expense of everything else in my life, that’s actually important.
My life was so much better before Twitter existed. I haven’t actually used Twitter in several years, but its influence has lingered on, not just in other social media, but in the way my brain is wired now to have a take on everything. I used to make things. I used to spend my free time working on projects, and enjoying movies and television and games and books, and writing about them on here to think in more depth about how they worked. I’ve seen several people today saying that times of crisis and uncertainty are when it’s most important to make art — I agree, although I think that overstates the inherent importance of art works by quite a lot.
There is value in the work, but the greatest value is the part of your life you dedicate to creating it. Pouring yourself into the creation of something simply because it can’t possibly exist otherwise, the diametric opposite of creating “content” to fill the space between ad slots.
So if nothing else, I’m artfully excusing myself from politics indefinitely, apart from giving help to people who are threatened, and concentrating on smaller, more local topics that can actually benefit from my efforts. And I’m pledging to drastically change my relationship with social media. Focusing only on what I control, like this blog; or the parts that actually constitute community.
For most of today, it’s felt like my light was finally extinguished, after years of sputtering in naive hopefulness. I’m resolving to change how I think about it: drawing in and hunkering down to re-ignite it, to be more protective of it, to keep it from being blown out for good.
I just feel numb about the whole thing at this point. I do feel the need to be engaged, but after years of this nonsense and starting a whole new dive towards hell after briefly believing we might be through the worst of it I just feel tired. It’s not so much Trump himself. I know what he is, and I know people like him will always exist. It’s that so many people willingly choose him again, after everything that has been so open and clear about his actions and character. The sheer number of people that want this. Again. I feel increasingly disconnected from the rest of the world.
It’s not the first time this happened, but it just doesn’t seem to stop. I’m trying to figure out some way of doing something positive locally instead of just being informed and talking about how and why all these things are so wrong to people that are already in my bubble online and offline. I feel a desperate need to see some good in people again. At this point that seems too hard (apart from, of course, all the people that I know are just as sad and bemused as I am). Because this is dark, and it’s only going to get worse. And this time I don’t have it in me anymore to believe that some of those voters might just be uninformed or misguided. This is what they want, full stop. I don’t really know how to process that yet.
Sorry, not an uplifting comment, and I’m not even sure why I’m leaving this. Just trying to see some small way forward, where I can keep some semblance of sanity.
The only advice I can give you now is to surround yourself with the people you love and care about, and those who will be hurting the most from whatever will come out of this. We’re all going to need each other, I think.
It’s going to take a while to process, I think. If nothing else, people have clearly stated what they believe in — or at best what they’re happily willing to tolerate — so we no longer have to wonder why they support a maniac, and no longer have to make excuses for them. It’s a dark thought, but I think it’s bolstered somewhat by remembering that over 70 million recent people — and also the Cheneys — chose decency. As you say, finding real community and not just the online substitute, is going to be key to rebuilding.
I hope you do, Chuck, I hope you do. I also had hope up until maybe ten days before the election when someone I love said “Well, it won’t affect us if he wins,” and that was when I realized he would win. Not because that person, whom I love and respect, would actually vote for the guy, but that the strain of “not my problem” runs so deeply in the American psyche that it even touches on the people I love and respect.
I am bereft.
The day of the election was also the day I lost my neighbor to leukemia — he was about a decade older than you and I, and I’ve lived next to him for nearly 20 years. I watched his kids grow up. I didn’t know his political affiliation; I didn’t even know his religious beliefs or whether he had them (turns out he did). That gives me a sort of hope. He was kind and generous to me always, and I hope he felt I was with him as well.
I guess I mention that to support local connection and staying away from social media. I gave up my social media when that jerk bought Twitter and haven’t missed it — though I know what you mean about it being harmful to the brain. I think that feeling will pass in time, especially if you put that time meaningfully elsewhere.
In the last year I’ve been focusing on learning to draw, a skill I’ve always wanted to learn. I’m getting better, though I’m still a ways off from good. I’ve recently joined the art association in my county, and am hoping to spend time at events (it’s a little slower as it gets colder) just doing plein air sketches or figure drawing or whatever. I’ve been taking a class, and though it’s only a few months, those evenings are a highlight each week, and having a focus for what drawing work I’ll do between classes has been a real blessing. It’s a supportive atmosphere and even though I suspect it leans quite liberal (as Maryland does), it’s not a topic that often comes up and it’s not what I’m there for.
I’m deeply hurt, and honestly despairing, right now. I’m disappointed that voter turnout in this country is between 50 and 70%. I’m saddened at the thought that so many people discarded what is best in us in favor of what is worst in us. I’m terrified of what the future will bring on so many fronts. I’m thinking a lot about Orwell. But at the same time, I’m trying to find places to find hope and repair, as it seems you are trying to do. I think they are out there.
Good luck, friend.
It’s always good to hear from you, Brett. And I’m sorry to hear about your neighbor. It’s good to value connections with neighbors considering so much of the 21st century is designed to isolate and divide us.
This post is essentially my grappling with the idea of “not my problem” and “it won’t affect me.” Trying to find the line between a lack of empathy and a desire to set boundaries. I’ve had to remind myself “it won’t affect me” just to stop the fight-or-flight response from making me physically unable to go on: “am I in immediate danger? Or am I just having a panic attack about things I can’t control?”
And I do believe that just like we don’t believe that everyone in society needs to be a surgeon, not everyone in society needs to be a political activist. It’s not actually accomplishing anything to try and be plugged into news that we can’t do anything about. There is exactly one responsibility we all have, and that’s to vote intelligently and reasonably. Everything else is extra credit. And it’s extra credit I’m not cut out to be working towards, considering the state of my mind the past couple of days.
Best of luck to you too, finding community and developing your art skills, exactly the kind of thing that should be making the bulk of our time. I’m hoping to give myself and other people more grace for narrowing our focus and being more realistic about our influence.
(And just because I’ve seen it mentioned today: never forgetting that “half the country” goes both ways. There are tens of millions of people who chose decency over selfishness and division).