Portrait of the artist as a bald man

More than just narcissism, selfies keep me from repeating past mistakes.

Earlier this year, I shaved my head bald for the first time. It looked like this:

Not a big deal for most people, but it was a huge novelty for me. I kept it for a month and a half or so, and I have to say I really dug it. It was surprisingly nice to be able to wake up and not even do the barest minimum of hair maintenance that I put up with now.

I don’t think I could live as a baldman permanently, though โ€” unless nature intervenes, which seems unlikely at this point. I’m just too lazy for the amount of work it’d take to keep it shiny, so I’ve got newfound respect for all the guys who put up with it. Also I know I’d never remember to put on sunscreen, which would be a problem if we ever reach a point where I can leave the house again.

I also briefly had a mohawk, which looked like this:

Fun for goofing off, but I could tell I wouldn’t be able to maintain the mohawk lifestyle.

One of the advantages of having an Instagram account was that I was slowly building a library of pictures of myself with almost every possible hair and beard configuration I could think of. Then, whenever I got in the mood to change things up, I could just look back through the records and be reminded that it didn’t actually look as good as it does in my memory.

Now, I feel like the guy in Memento, forced to re-learn over and over again that muttonchops just make me look super old, and as much as I’d like to, I just can’t pull off the biker mustache.


3 thoughts on “Portrait of the artist as a bald man”

  1. Over the past seven or eight years I have had a tendency to keep my hair quite short — like, buzzed with a 2 or 3 short (1/4″ or 3/8″, I think that corresponds to). A couple of months ago I started to get overdue for a new buzz and I just… didn’t? So now my hair is kind of in a Beethoven phase. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll hold out, but it’s nice to know I can still grow a full head of hair.

    1. Ah, another one of the downsides to blogs vs social media platforms is it’s difficult (impossible?) to post photos in a comment — I’m having trouble imagining you with Beethoven hair.

      I was growing my hair long-ish over the last two years, mostly because I’d never done it and wanted to see what it looked like before it turns white. I cut it off earlier this year (because my mom hated it), but am pledging to start over, with the goal of getting it at least pony-tail length. It’s turning white even faster than I thought, so I’m probably going to spend most of 2021 looking like a much chubbier version of Craig Federighi.

      1. It is definitely difficult –I think some comment forms allow for img src HTML tags and others don’t, there’s also probably a mark-up way but I have no idea for this. But then I would have to put it somewhere publicly accessible online and etc. Raw paste doesn’t work.

        So I just emailed you one haha.

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