According to Patton Oswalt, 37 is not one of the 20 birthdays you’re allowed to celebrate. But I want a cake, dammit! (And no offense to my peer group, but I’d like to eat it in a crowd where no one is tempted to point out that the cake is a lie.)

I can tell that I’m getting older and lazier, because I’m kinda thinking my birthday present for myself will be hiring somebody to come clean my apartment.

Highlights from my gift registry are listed below, feel free to browse it as I shamble on towards thirty-eight years taking up space on the Earth.