In a sense, it is OUR so-called “civilization” that is truly the more uncivilized.

millabluelagoon.jpgOr, Shallow and Not Particularly Novel Insights Gleaned from Watching Return to the Blue Lagoon on Satellite Just Now:

  • It’s got Milla Jovovich in it! For some reason, I’d always thought The Fifth Element was her first movie.
  • Even in her jailbait days, Milla Jovovich was shockingly beautiful.
  • The “Brian Krause” in the movie is the blond, angel-looking dude from “Charmed.” He’s not Peter Krause, the perpetually-unshaven guy from “Six Feet Under.” So if you’re watching the movie just to see how they got a fairly average-looking, hairy guy who must’ve been in his mid 20s at the time to run around on a beach in a loincloth for an hour and a half and not look completely ridiculous, then you’re going to be disappointed.
  • In the first five minutes of the movie, they show the tender young lovers of the first one face-down on a boat, dead. Then they wrap the bodies in canvas bags and throw them overboard. That is awesome.
  • It makes the “Return” guys’ adventure a lot less impressive when their only struggle is moving into a two-story house built by uneducated teenagers.
  • Milla’s reaction to her first period: initial horror, followed within seconds by… delight? Gas? Mischievousness? It’s difficult to read.
  • Watching this movie made me vividly remember my own adolescence, growing up naked and unashamed on a South Pacific island.
  • Actually, my own adolescence was spent growing up clothed and very much ashamed in the Bible Belt. And we would scan the channels desperately for movies like The Blue Lagoon and Losin’ It and Porky’s, anything, anything to get even the barest glimpse of the good stuff.
  • We had a cable box with a dial on it, and I’d spend at least an hour every night trying to turn it to that sweet spot halfway between channels where you could see the barest glimpse of teh boobies on Cinemax.
  • When we actually got HBO, and you could watch “The Hitchhiker” and see almost everything, it was a total disappointment.
  • Puberty sucks.
  • But not as much as it must have sucked having to be on a film crew making an entire movie dedicated just for the desperate and pubescent.
  • Even on those terms, Return to the Blue Lagoon is a total cock-tease. They had a mom on the island, who explained sex to them! There’s like a total of 2 minutes of youthful abandon; the rest is sitting in a house that somebody else built, making goofy euphemisms about menstruation and masturbation, fishing, and comically misunderstanding how to put on Western clothes.
  • And even if you’re supposed to be the son of two stupid people, stripping off your clothes and having the villain chase you into a shark-infested coral reef is the lamest ending ever.
  • Holy crap, Milla Jovovich was only 15 years old when that movie was made! That’s just kind of gross, and now I feel bad.