Maybe this is common for people who live closer to Golden Gate Park, but it’s still a novelty to me: just now a family of racoons (I assumed they were a family; I didn’t do any blood tests, but then again, isn’t family about more than just blood?) came trotting down the street in front of my apartment. Like the last stragglers of a parade. Albeit a very quiet parade, that concentrated on trash cans and reeled back in horror if they noticed any onlookers. So maybe a parade in support of abuse victims.
Seeing as how it’s 2am and I’m paying the same every month for this website whether I have something interesting to say or not, I thought it’d be the perfect opportunity to make a list. A list of Things I Have Seen On Or Around My Front Steps:
- Racoons (x3)
- Sandwich with two bites taken out, in ziploc bag (x2)
- Single-serving pudding container, half full
- Man in underwear, wielding baseball bat
- Dog poo
- Dog (?) urine
- Klingon (drunk)
- Obese lesbian with scalp tattoo smoking and talking on cell phone (regular appearances)
- Desk lamp (broken)
- Shoes (various)
- Teddy bear
- Dot matrix printer
- Man playing digeridoo
- Woman playing digeridoo
- Man with ten-foot long piece of molding, hitting every post, tree, and sign with it as he walks by, saying, “What up, G?” when he saw me
- Two children, one of whom asked me “How’s it goin’, bitch?” and the other one running back to apologize profusely to me
- Old woman walking her very old chow dog (both wear matching yellow raincoats when it rains)
- Restaurant delivery menus (various)
- Half-eaten rack of ribs (presumably pork)
The most mysterious thing is that none of the stuff stays there for more than an hour. (Except for the obese lesbian*, and possibly the pudding container. Coincidence?!?) I’m actually less curious about who’s leaving the stuff there than who’s taking it away. Note to self: inquire city services about C.H.U.D.s.
*Before anyone takes offense that I’m being too hard on someone for being either overweight or homosexual or a woman or whatever, I should probably point out that she leaves her cigarette butts all over the steps and when I try to walk around her to get up to my apartment, she acts all offended like I’m putting her out.
Were the racoons magical? Did they have gigantic testicles?
Not that I know of, and no. But I did hear the magic of a child’s “what’s goin’ on, bitch?” And you know, cell phone lesbian… I’m just saying I wouldn’t be surprised.
A month or so after I moved to the city, I heard a rustling at my ground floor window and I saw something moving outside. I ran to the kitchen, grabbed a big knife and opened the window, ready to cut someone.
It was a band of raccoons. This was on the corner of Divis and Golden Gate.
So I am backing you up here.
I also came home one day to find a man face forward in the curb with his head cracked open. I think he was drunk. It was 5pm.
Wow, the racoons I saw just recoiled when they noticed me standing there. I never would’ve thought they were capable of knocking people to the curb and cracking their heads open. I’ll be more wary from now on.
No, no, no. The raccoons didn’t knock the guy out, LOL.
They beat him with an aluminum bat.