As Bitter As The William Shatner Section of a “Star Trek” Cast Member’s Autobiography

Oh yeah: I’ve heard that writing is just like anything else, you have to practice at it before you get better. (Hence this weblog). So I’ve been spending the day limbering up, coming up with lines that I’ll never use.

  • The MUNI bus seat was so vile and disgusting that even Rosa Parks would’ve refused to take it.
  • A pack of bar-hoppers walking down Fulton Street in afterthoughts of Halloween costumes, including the guy dressed as he does every night except for the pink bunny ears, which he’s hoping will be just enough to show that he’s in touch with his wacky side and get him laid.
  • The night is as cold as a a check made out to an orphanage and left unsigned.
  • My Volkswagen has been recalled more times than a summer spent at the cabin by the lake.
  • I didn’t just have a bowel movement, I had the whole symphony.
  • And I don’t care what anybody says; I still like the pun about being a playa-hater.

Okay, so there’s going to be a lot of editing to do once November is over.

There was a story in The Sandman about a guy who was cursed with too many ideas — something about his muse getting pissed off, so she gave him infinite inspiration, too many ideas to be able to do anything with any of them. If I remember correctly, he ended the story insane or killing himself. But as he declined, there was panel after panel of him mumbling all his ideas for short stories and novels and plays. And if I remember correctly, most of them were pretty good, actually better than a lot of the stuff Neil Gaiman has done “for real.” More than anything else in that series, that was the story that convinced me that Gaiman was a genius.

Sometimes I feel like that (the too-many-ideas part, not the genius part). Except that the ideas, in retrospect, aren’t all that great when it’s not 3am and I’m trying to get to sleep and convinced that I’m brilliant. And it’s not that I’ve got too many to do anything with, it’s that I’m lazy. And most of them turn out to be episodes of “Tales from the Darkside” or “Friday the 13th: The Television Series” or “Buck Rogers” or some other television show or comic book I read and have already forgotten about. But apart from that, I’m exactly like that story.