Back when I was writing columns for SFist, one of the things I kept harping on was that Apple should make a DVR. If they could do for television what they did for the iPod, that’d be huge, right? An interface for TV as slick as OS X, without as many of the weird limitations that the cable and sattelite companies build into their machines, and with the ability to use the video you record on your computer. It seemed like a no-brainer.

Of course, what they came out with instead was the Apple TV. I was completely unimpressed with the announcement, I was more blown away at the concept of Apple’s releasing a product that I didn’t want to buy. The Apple TV isn’t a DVR; it’s just a way to watch and listen to stuff from iTunes (and iPhoto) on a big screen TV. That’s it. I could barely see the point, and it seemed like a step backwards instead of an innovation.

Now that it’s been out for a while, I just read this review of the Apple TV on arstechnica.com. And I still would never even think of buying one of the things. But after seeing in detail how the thing works and which audience it’s targeted at, I think I finally understand it. And I’m more than a little disturbed.

I’m disturbed because of this: the reason I didn’t understand the thing is because I can’t conceive of a world without television.

It’s kind of embarrassing. It’s not like Apple has been subtle with their whole strategy — they want you to buy stuff off iTunes. But even though I’ve got several friends who don’t have cable or satellite, and I’ve got friends who even watch shows off iTunes and have told me about the process, I just couldn’t understand how the process would work. How can Chuck watch TV if Chuck no can hook satellite to computer? Chuck confused and angry!

Am I just too short-sighted and old to understand new media? Or have I been living for so long with a coaxial cable from Comcast or DirecTV that I see it as an umbilical cord, and can’t imagine life without it? I don’t even watch nearly as much TV as I used to, but still the thought of going without it altogether just never occurred to me. As a thought experiment, I decided to go through and find out what it would take to do the unthinkable, and live without a live TV feed coming into my home.

Microsoft has a new Video Marketplace you can access over the Xbox 360 (and I’m guessing Vista), but a) it doesn’t have a lot of TV content yet, and b) they don’t as far as I can tell let you download entire seasons. So until that matures, the only other option is iTunes.

And yes, I am aware that with the internet, you can get all the TV you want in high definition for free. But at present, the majority of my income comes from a major multinational media company, so I can’t really condone that with a clear conscience. And still, that stuff is hard to find, takes forever to download, and just has a “ethical gray area” feel to it. So I’m not considering that.

So for this test, I’ll take the shows that I watch regularly. I’ll pretend that their seasons all overlap, and that a season is about 9 months.

Now, I pay an obscene amount for my satellite TV connection. It’s almost as much as I pay for real necessities, like cigarettes. If I think about how much better it would be for me to take that money and donate it to charity or something, it just gets depressing and strikes me as vaguely un-American, so I’ll just leave that idea alone. What I will do, though, is cut ten bucks a month off the bill, because that’s what I pay for the HD package (which is mostly worthless, but the rare shows that are broadcast in HD are sweet), and iTunes doesn’t support HD yet.

So for DirecTV the total is: 9 months at $50 a month = $450 per season.
Downsides: Commercials, being stuck with DirecTV’s lousy DVR.

Looking on the iTunes store, here’s the cost of season passes of shows I’ve watched with any regularity in the past year:

1. 30 Rock: $34.99
2. Heroes: $42.99
3. Lost: $34.99
4. Monk: $29.99
5. Battlestar Galactica: $34.99
6. Doctor Who: not available
7. The Venture Brothers: $19.99
8. Mythbusters: $25.87
9. Passport to Europe: $22.99
10. Saturday Night Live: $29.99
11. The Sarah Silverman Program: $9.99
12. Kim Possible: $37.99
13. Legion of Super-Heroes: not available

So for iTunes the total is: $324.77 per season.
Downsides: waiting for downloads; the day delay between broadcast and iTunes availability; the lack of local programming, CNN and just lazy channel-surfing; knowing that I paid $43 for a show that I hate but am hooked on anyway (”Heroes”); no “Doctor Who;” no cheesy anime on adult swim. Plus, missing out on the stuff I watch sporadically but would never go out of my way to pay for — Discovery Channel documentaries, cheesy movies on the Sci Fi channel, and just about everything on the Food network.

I’d never seen a break-down like that before, and the result really surprised me. First, obviously, because it comes out cheaper to buy entire seasons online than it does to pay for a monthly satellite bill. Second, that there are shows available I never would’ve expected to be, like “Mythbusters” and “Passport to Europe.” And third, that browsing around the iTunes store works as well for TV shows as it does for music or watching stuff on a DVR. Especially since you can buy individual episodes to try them out. So I’ve gone from thinking that the iTunes video store was worthless, to realizing that unless you watch a lot more television than I do, it actually makes more sense to get stuff online than pay a regular monthly cable or satellite bill.

I’m not going to cut the cord anytime soon, since live and semi-live TV has gotten to be a habit. And there’s still a mental block with the pricing — even though it actually comes out cheaper, it’s easier for me to rationalize paying a bill and considering it a “utility”, than it would be to pay thirty or forty bucks for a series I feel somewhat guilty for watching anyway (like, for instance, the Disney Channel animated series aimed at teenage girls).

But after seeing it actually broken down, I feel like I finally understand why everybody’s making such a big fuss about TV over IP. If they can get semi-reformed TV junkies like me to make the switch, there’s a ton of potential and even more money to be made there; I wonder why they don’t make more of an effort to demonstrate how it’s cheaper.

And in case you’ve read all this, and your response is, “or you could, well, read a book,” then you just don’t get it, man.

The planets must be aligning or something. I saw that two more of my favorite things are coming together: the RiffTrax guys released a track for the pilot episode of “Lost”.

I haven’t listened to it yet, but of course I bought it the second I saw it and realized what it was. This RiffTrax idea is getting better all the time. I can see how people who were into MST3K out of a love of bad old B-movies might be disappointed (but there’s always Film Crew Online if you want that). For me, I just like the “sitting in a room with a bunch of funny people cracking jokes” aspect. All of the RiffTrax have delivered on that.

It’s like having imaginary friends to watch “Lost” with me!

The season 3 finale of “Battlestar Galactica” aired tonight. According to the SciFi channel, season 4 doesn’t start until 2008. Word on the street is that there’ll be a two-hour movie “bridging” the season, not continuing from the finale, but introducing things that’ll be resolved in season 4.

In my whole history of watching things, I can’t remember when or if I’ve ever had such a hard time deciding if I liked something. My gut reaction throughout was “oh hell yeah.” But there was just as much “what the hell is going on here?” I really can’t say whether I thought it was unbelievably, unacceptably cheesy; or was one of the coolest things I’ve seen on a TV series. Which means, I guess, that it was the latter.

It goes without saying that big stuff follows, so don’t read the rest unless you want to have the finale (and maybe the whole season) ruined for you…

Read the rest of this entry »

TVSquad forwarded along a New York Post story, which is pretty much completely unsubstantiated speculation quoting from an anonymous “tipster,” that the producers of “Battlestar Galactica” want to end the series after the fourth (next) season. This is similar to the claims the “Lost” guys have made that they’ve got an ending in sight and are figuring out how to bring the series to a close after “one or two” more seasons.

It’s a good idea in both cases, and I’m not saying that just because I really really want to see “Galactica 2009.” I can’t think of any series that maintained its quality after four seasons, and with high concept series with a definite premise (finding Earth, getting off the island), it just makes it all the more clear that you have to have an end in sight.

By all rights, the most recent “Lost” episode, “The Man From Tallahassee,” should have had me jumping up and down making awkward grunting sounds. It was exactly the kind of stuff I’ve been wanting to see in the series. Real answers to questions, including one that’s been around since episode 1. A flashback that mattered, and had a really shocking scene in it. Hints at something larger, with a mysterious power about the island. Strong performances all around. A big explosion.

And a sign that they knew what they were doing, and Locke’s actions a few episodes ago weren’t just unmotivated idiocy. He had a plan, and we’re only seeing now what his real motives were.

I read a review of the episode that complained this development just made it clearer that the writers are making it up as they go along, and now they’d written themselves and excuse to pull any plot development they wanted out of their asses. (Or their magic boxes, as the case may be).

I had the opposite reaction. I thought this was the first in a long while that really showed steps towards tying things together. Jack’s dad, Kate’s horse, Eko’s brother Yemi, and now Locke’s discovery — they’re all connected, and Ben has seen this kind of thing happening on the island and is trying to explain it. Not only were the characters brought back to focus with this episode, but the events were as well.

Still, it ended with my feeling pretty unimpressed. I’ve been saying for a while that the “feel” of the show is more important than the answers. That anything the writers could possibly come up with to explain everything is going to feel like a let-down, because the hints at greater mysteries are by definition more interesting than the explanations. Now I’m having to back up that claim, and it’s tough. Myst-like hatches full of antiquated video monitors and mail slots that lead to nowhere, and underground bunkers with secret UV messages and record collections and secret serums, are always going to be more interesting than bright yellow compounds with swingsets and pool rooms.

And they’re already getting a diminished return on investment with their shocking revelations. I can guarantee you that had Locke’s flashback shown in seasons one or two, it would’ve been horrifying and exciting. But last night, it was just a brief flash of interest, like any other instantly forgettable TV stunt. After another season of this, they’re going to have to bring out the big guns to be satisfyingly shocking and relevatory.

In preparation for next week’s “Battlestar Galactica” finale, and the long hiatus until the next season, I’ve been going back through and watching the DVDs, starting with the miniseries. I came to the show late, so I always had the impression that the series was much larger than what I was aware of. That some of the events of the series had more impact to those who’ve been watching all along, seeing more than just the glimpses shown in the “previously on…” bits.

I’ve been surprised by two things: First, that I’ve seen more of the series than I remembered. I’d somehow seen the entire miniseries and first several episodes, apparently, and there are just four or five from the second half of the first season that I’d missed.

Second, that they covered so much in the first three hours of the miniseries. I’d thought that they’ve been building layer on layer of intrigue over the past couple of years, but 90% of what’s going on now (minus New Caprica and the Occupation) was established at the beginning. That’s both good and bad — good that they have had solid ideas of the characters and the central drama since the beginning, bad that they’ve kind of been coasting on that for so long.

I think BSG would do well to have a clear ending in sight, explaining what really motivates the Cylons, what is this plan we hear about at the beginning of every episode, and perhaps most importantly, finally explaining exactly what the hell is going on with Baltar and his visions of Six. I don’t know if they could do all that in one season, but in the past they’ve shown they can. Whatever the case, a fifth season would most likely kill the show.

And I guess I’ve realized a third thing about “Battlestar”: the value of subtext. My memory of the series was that it was just overwhelmingly, unrelentingly dark and depressing. Watching the miniseries again now reminded me that it’s not, really; in retrospect, it’s even a little bit manipulative and melodramatic. Obviously, now I know what’s going to happen, so the surprise is gone.

But more than that, I’m watching to see specific plot developments instead of just the “feel” of the show. They communicate that feeling so well, without having to repeatedly state it directly. It makes the more recent episode seem all the more heavy-handed and deliberately obtuse by comparison. The best thing I can say about the series is that at least in the early days, it doesn’t overstate its message. During the miniseries, you’d get a line of dialogue like, “It’s the end of the world, Lee,” and that was enough. Lately, it’s been more “It’s the end of the world, and that is why we need to maintain strict demands on fuel production and remain anti-labor in spite of our push for democracy, and it is this kind of thing that shows what a gray moral area we now live in.”

I’ve been negligent in my “Battlestar Galactica”-watching duties for the past month, so I spent the last couple of days getting caught up on the last four episodes.

I’ve got to be vague, here, since there may yet be brothers of man, out there, among the blogosphere, who are waiting for the DVD release to watch the show. I’ll just say that it’s been troubling, and I’m getting really creeped-out by my TV series-destroying powers.

It’s not even the obvious plot events that are bugging me, as much as the general up-and-down nature of the show. People keep acting wildly inconsistently — they’ve got a basic character type that they mostly stay true to, but within that, they’re all over the map. What’s an unforgivable sin one episode becomes standard practice a few weeks later. A guy can commit treason and get a “no harm, no foul” from the Admiral in one episode; a short while later, Adama is threatening to shoot the Chief’s wife to get back at him (and just a couple of weeks before that, he was getting all emotional trying to save her).

One of the strengths of the series, as I understand it, is that it tries to put everything in a moral gray area, and it tries to add contemporary relevance to the events instead of just making it a sci-fi action series. That’s all fine, except that when you don’t have a stronger backbone for the story, and real consistency across episodes, it all comes across as self-contained Ripped From Today’s Headlines stories. I’m glad they have the conscience to tackle real issues, but there are some places where stories about racism and labor disputes and class warfare just don’t fit.

The most recent episode (the one about Baltar’s lawyer) shows signs they might be pulling out of the tailspin. I honestly couldn’t tell you if the writing was actually intelligent, or if it was just obtuse but meant to sound intelligent. Whatever the case, it worked for me. And it looks like they’re finally committed to building up to something big.

This is the only series I can think of where I’ve disliked the individual stand-along episodes so much. Usually I look forward to them; as the “series mythology” stuff is generally tedious, and smaller episodes give writers the chance to experiment and present a fully-fleshed out idea. On “Battlestar Galactica,” they just get in the way.

Update: I guess I should’ve waited until after tonight’s episode to start complaining. Because tonight’s was pretty damn cool. And I can’t remember when I’ve ever watched a TV series and had no clue what was going to happen. I can’t even speculate how things are going to turn out next week.

Still buried under work at the moment, but for the sake of updating:

I’d heard about TV cook Nigella Lawson, and how her schtick was basically food as barely-disguised metaphor for sex, but I had no idea how intense it was until I saw this clip of her making Chocolate Hot Pots:

By the time she says, “It’s warm, but I know I have pleasure ahead, so I’m willing to bear the pain now and dive right in,” I’m at her mercy, as if she were some Chocolate Pot-bearing Mata Hari. I’d be willing to divulge state secrets. I suspect if she made curry rice, I’d be willing to shoot one of my countrymen. Even when she talks about a “carapace with all this goo underneath,” it still somehow sounds unspeakably sexy.

The bit at the beginning says it’s rated “TV G”. I think not!

“So you like ‘30 Rock’ and ‘Battlestar Galactica’ and ‘Lost’,” you might be saying. “Big deal. Join the frakking club, sheep!”

Fair enough, but would a sheep dare to post on the internets a comprehensive list of the best episodes in the history of television? The answer is yes, if he were an exceptionally nerdy sheep.

Best Episodes in the History of Television

1. Lost: “Pilot”
Say what you will about the declining quality of the series, the pilot is the best two hours of television ever produced. The numbers station, the first night on the beach, Jack’s story about counting to five, and a guy gets sucked into a jet engine. I tried watching it twice, when it first aired and when it was repeated, and had to stop because it was too intense for me. When I finally watched it on DVD, I was hooked.

2. The X-Files: “Jose Chung’s From Outer Space“
This is the episode where Charles Nelson Reilly’s character is writing a book about Mulder & Scully, and there are guest appearances by Jesse Ventura and Alex Trebek as Men In Black. Plus the line: “You don’t play Dungeons and Dragons for as long as I have without learning a little something about courage.” All of Darrin Morgan’s episodes were brilliant, but this one realized the real potential of “The X-Files” better than any other episode. Not only did it give a better account of UFO sightings than any other episode, but it made fun of itself, the series, the FOX network (with the alien autopsy video), the producers, and its stars, without ever crossing the line of being too post-modern. And it’s funny, creepy, and philosophical in equal doses. If you had to pick one episode of any TV series to prove to people that TV is capable of intelligence, this is the one you’d show.

3. Arrested Development: “For British Eyes Only”
Michael visits Wee Britain for the first time, meets Rita, is struck by something from his childhood, and is threatened by a foul-mouthed British guy. And the Bluth family joins together in a mass chicken dance. Plus, Lupe’s reaction to Tobias’ hairplugs: “Mr Gay! He is bleeding!” The only thing that could’ve made me like this better is if this had been the one with “Mister F.”

4. Alias: “The Telling”
The one where Sidney and her roommate finally come to blows. “Alias” may have been all over the map quality-wise, but it always had the best season finales. And this was the best of the best. I was more shocked by Francie’s death a few episodes earlier, but the fight scene in this one is just epic. And the twist at the end was so good, it kind of makes you wish the series had ended there, considering how they “resolved” it.

5. Lost: “Orientation”
The only reason “Lost” is still on my list of best currently-running TV series is because, season 3 or no, it still has two of the best episodes of any TV series ever. Actually, the first episode from season 2, “Man of Science, Man of Faith,” is a contender for best episode, just because of the opening sequence and the reveal of the bunker. But overall, this is the one that turned me from a casual fan of the series into an obsessive. And just because of the orientation movie. From the film grain, to the title cards, to the soundtrack, to the missing bits of film, to the pacing of the episode up to the movie, and the fact that Locke said “we’re going to have to watch that again” right at the moment I started to hit rewind on my remote: this was the bit that convinced me that this series was trying things I’d never seen before, and that these guys really knew what they were doing. Even now, after realizing that they didn’t know what they were doing, I can’t forget that that was one of the coolest bits of TV I’ve ever seen.

6. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: “Superstar”
The nerdy kid from high school casts a spell to create an alternate reality where he’s a superhero. Lots of sci-fi shows have done alternate realities, and “Buffy” even did it a few times. This one wins because they really made it an alternate reality: they changed the opening credits, and the main plot of the episode continued from the last as if nothing had happened. The shot of Buffy walking mopily down the street, with a wall plastered with posters of Jonathan behind her, was just genius.

7. Cowboy Bebop: “Speak Like a Child”
The crew has to fly back to the ruins of Earth to find an ancient VCR to watch a mysterious tape left for Faye Valentine. The entire episode plays like a comedy until the last five minutes, which hit you like a punch to the gut.

8. Police Squad!: “Rendezvous at Big Gulch”
There wasn’t a bad episode of this series, and whoever cancelled it has reserved his own spiky chair in hell. But this is the episode that has my favorite gag: “Who are you and how did you get in here?” “I’m a locksmith, and I’m a locksmith.”

9. Doctor Who: “The Unquiet Dead”
Charles Dickens fights zombies. If that doesn’t spell awesome to you, then you’re a big dumb gay communist.

10. Mr. Show with Bob and David: “Oh, You Men”
This is the one where they film their “lost episode,” the Druggachusettes sketch, the bit with the lie detector, and the east coast/west coast ventriloquism wars. There are episodes with funnier sketches, but this one has my favorite gag in the entire series: the “who wants a banana?” line in the opening monologue, where you have to wait an hour for the payoff.

I didn’t include “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” because it’s in a league of its own; if I’d listed one, I’d have to list ten. But my favorite is “Godzilla vs Megalon,” if only for the Jet Jaguar Fight Song. But then, “Mitchell” was great too. And “Master Ninja I,” as well as “Master Ninja II”. And “Fire Maidens from Outer Space.” And “Werewolf.”

I also didn’t include “NewsRadio,” only because it’s been a while since I’ve watched any of it, and the episodes run together in my memory. “Super Karate Monkey Death Car” has the best title of any television series ever, of course, but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen it all the way through.

I invite, nay, encourage readers to give their own favorites in the comments.

Thanks to the last few months of under-employment (which ends tomorrow), my TV-watching has almost gotten back up to the levels before I worked for EA and before I discovered RSS feeds. I still haven’t suddenly regained consciousness sitting on the couch 35 minutes into a History Channel documentary about classified Nazi cheese experiments, but I have spent 3 straight hours watching back-to-back episodes of “Mythbusters.”

And I still won’t watch whatever’s on, just for the sake of watching TV. Which means that the list of shows I watch with any regularity is also the list of

Best Series Currently In Production

1. “The Venture Brothers”
This could’ve been just an obvious parody of “Jonny Quest,” ‘cept it’s all edgy, and the pilot was pretty much exactly that. But Jackson Public and Doc Hammer just get it, more than the creators of any other series except maybe “Arrested Development.” One episode of “The Venture Brothers” has a dozen throwaway gags that lesser writers would try to form entire TV series or Lorne Michaels-produced movies from. Just the details are hilarious: like when Hank & Dean make the Go Team Venture! sign and you can see the light from it reflected on their dates. And also, Patrick Warburton as Brock is the best animated character ever. Next to maybe Dr. Girlfriend.

2. “Battlestar Galactica”
I admit I didn’t watch it at the start. It was too depressing, and I didn’t cotton to the idea of a female Starbuck. I still don’t like her very much, and I still hate Apollo, but the series is just every bit as good as people are saying it is. And huge stuff happens, all the time. Whenever I see the count of survivors at the beginning of an episode, I remember being a kid on the way home from elementary school (okay, maybe it was middle school) and screaming at the bus driver to go faster so I’d get home in time for “Starblazers.”

3. “30 Rock”
I’m still baffled as to how a show that started out so shaky turned into one of the best comedy series ever. Everybody goes on about how great Alec Baldwin is, and he is, but he’s not even carrying the show anymore. Most series would’ve been content just to have Paul Reubens as inbred Austrian royalty (with only one real limb, which was genius), but they threw in a catfight between Isabella Rosselini and Tina Fey, as if they had a direct line to my subconscious. I still say it’s a shame they don’t use Rachel Dratch more often.

4. “How I Met Your Mother”
I started watching this one just because Willow was on it. And I figured it’s pleasant enough, so I’ll watch it if it’s on and I’ve got nothing better to do. Somewhere along the line it became one of my favorite series. Just recently, they had three or four episodes back to back that were just hilarious, and now that they’ve hit their stride, they’re consistently funny. And they have the most appealing cast on TV right now. I think the best thing they did was changing the big question from when is Ted going to meet “your mother,” to when the remaining slap-bet slaps are going to happen.

5. “Lost”
This week’s episode was pretty strong, and it was a good sign that they’re slowly getting back on track. The sad fact is that even if the executive producers of the show really are as smarmy as they come across in interviews, and even if they have no idea where they’re going, and even if they’re unable to get themselves out of the corner they’ve painted themselves into, this still has some of the best performances, set design, and just overall production quality of any series on TV. (Even “Galactica.”)

6. “Monk”
I’d speculate the reason this series is underrated is because it’s so formulaic. That’s actually kind of why I like it. It’s got so many formulas and cliches weighing it down, and still manages to be great TV. Every episode has to have the hour-long crime drama format, plus the unassuming “Colombo”-style detective with issues, plus the comedy scene showing Monk freaking out because he’s completely out of his element, plus the black-and-white recap at the end, plus all the formulaic bits from a Sherlock Holmes story, plus the therapy session, plus the character development. As if that weren’t stifling enough, they’ve by now established their own formula, of making every episode somehow “bittersweet.” Still, instead of being hobbled by it, they come up with some great mysteries and characters that for the most part (except for Disher) feel real. I’m just really impressed with how solid the show is, going into its fourth season, dabbling a little bit in an overarching storyline (Trudy’s death) but not really needing it.

I’ve got to say I was completely wrong about Sharona’s leaving. The character of Natalie is my favorite one in the series now; she’s not abrasive or annoying, but not saintly, either. And the actress playing her (Traylor Howard, from the pizza place) does a great job. Her delivery is perfect, always, and she just makes you glad she’s there even during the frequent times her character’s given nothing to do. There’s a lot to be said just for being appealing, and she, and the series itself, always manages to do that.

7. “Heroes”
Yeah, the writing is still weak, and there are plot holes you could pilot the X-Men’s jet through, and the marketing hype blitz around it is annoying. Yeah, I’m still completely hooked on it. I don’t want to talk about it.

8. “Mythbusters”
They know what the people want, and they deliver it. Even if it is 10% science and 90% explosions, it’s not like they ever claim otherwise; they’re proud of it. I don’t recommend anybody watch three hours back-to-back of it, though: the gang gets pretty annoying after a while.