Sine intellectus non

Speaking of TV shows: did anybody else understand what the hell was going on with this week’s “Battlestar Galactica?” (Called “Sine Qua Non.”) It felt to me like what would happen if you took all the components of a BSG episode, fed them into a computer:

  • Stand-off at gun-point
  • Apollo makes speech about making tough choices to survive
  • People see things that aren’t there
  • Character thrown in brig
  • Fist fight
  • Idyllic near-death experience
  • Character in brig paces
  • Political discussions
  • Spaceship does faster-than-light jump
  • Mention Raptors and Vipers
  • Return of bit character from past episode
  • Include Starbuck: yes/no

and then hit the “Randomize” button. Okay, we’re good to go! — wait, we didn’t click the “Lucid” checkbox? Damn, too late. Maybe no one will notice.

I was glad to see (spoiler?) Adama admit he totally loves Roslyn 4-ever, but they could’ve done that in a future episode, just by having the Basestar return and find him there in a raptor, reading her book. That’s all they needed. Apart from that and the little revelation that Cylons can indeed get other Cylons pregnant, this seems like a filler episode that could (and should) be easily forgotten.

But Lucy Lawless is back next week, so that’s promising.

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Tales of the Expected

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Okay, the “Lost” people are totally making this stuff up as they go along.

At least, I hope they are, because if the season finale of season 4 really is what they’ve had planned since the end of season 3, then they’ve been yanking our chains for a year.

It’s not that it was bad; it’s just that the story started off so strong, and it hinted at all kinds of fantastic twists and turns that were going to be coming. And then it ended with pretty much the most obvious resolution to every new plot point that was introduced. It felt so predictable that I don’t want to believe that was what they predicted; I want to believe that they had more in mind, and then fell back on plan B.

What I like best about episodic television is those moments when it seems like the writers have painted themselves into a corner. And then right as you’re about to give up on them, you turn around and see that not only have they painted the entire room, they’re pointing at the elephant in the center of the room and saying, “What, you didn’t notice that before? It’s been there the whole time.” “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” was best at this; there were several times I’d thought the series was in a nosedive, and not only did they manage to pull up in time, they started doing loop-de-loops. (If that’s too many metaphors for one paragraph, I’m talking about the bit where they turned the awful “Initiative” storyline into a Frankenstein’s monster story with one really awesome and unexpected scene).

Season 4 of “Lost” started out so well, it was promising even more than the beginning of season 2. And the season’s been solid overall. It’s just that all they did was gracefully close up most of the loose ends and set up the next batch of episodes. They didn’t do all that and drop a bombshell on us.

(And the rest is spoilers for the season finale and the season in general).

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I've come to kill your monstah!

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Over three years ago, I wrote on here about a slick app for the Mac called Delicious Library. It’s a database for your books, movies, CDs, and videogames that presents everything by letting you scan through shelves of the covers.

The first version got a ton of coverage on the internet, mostly because of its extremely slick presentation. Everything was glossy and animated, it let you use your iSight camera to scan in bar codes, it grabbed contacts from your Address Book to let you keep track of who borrowed what. This was what Mac apps were supposed to be like. The presentation actually made it fun to keep track of your conspicuous consumerism, and that’s pretty much the Apple philosophy right there.

In fact, there was so much buzz around the app that it spawned a counter movement among fairly embittered Mac software developers who didn’t cotton to this new wave of style over substance.

Now, after a few years of hype and previews, version 2.0 of the app is out (available from the link at the top of this post). It’s Leopard-only, it’s supposedly faster (I don’t have a large enough library to tell the difference), and it has a few more export features, including exporting your library to a web version.

(Anyone curious can check out my library, which hasn’t been updated in a year or so, and contains most of my DVDs and a few of my books that I entered before I got bored with the process).

To say that I’m not impressed is something of an understatement; I’ve hit the embarrassed-that-I-used-to-think-this-was-kind-of-cool level of disillusionment. It’s $40 for the full program, or $20 if you’re upgrading from a previous version. The HTML export was the bit I was interested in, but with all the data it dumps into the result, the process of generating the export takes a long time and the process of actually uploading it is interminable. Plus, you can see from the example above that a huge chunk of the page is taken up by their gigantic logo, and most of the space on the page is given to their faux wood grain.

The feature I was most interested in was getting a version of my library I could check out on the iPhone. So if I’m at a bookstore, for example, wondering which Terry Pratchett books I’ve already got but haven’t read yet, I could make sure I don’t end up with a duplicate. Delicious Library does generate a special version tailored for the iPhone, but again, most of the space is taken up by stuff that you don’t need. And worst of all: no search. Which pretty much renders the whole thing useless.

I like to think I’m not a jerk, and normally I wouldn’t bother making a blog post about an app I don’t like and wouldn’t recommend. But it’s interesting to me what this app in particular says about the state of Mac development, not to mention web services and the like.

I haven’t heard much lately about the “Delicious Generation;” whether that means it all fizzled out, or I just haven’t been paying attention, I can’t say.

I can say that with all the new features included in Leopard — Core Data, Core Animation, improved Interface Builder, improvements to Objective C — writing something that does the same thing as Delicious Library seems really easy. The latest edition of Cocoa Programming for Mac OS X (an outstanding book) includes retrieving and presenting information from Amazon as one of its short example apps. And there’s definitely no shortage of documentation and example code for Amazon’s API.

The only part of Delicious Library that doesn’t strike me as simple and easy to implement is the iSight barcode scanner. And that’s more of a gimmick than a feature; using it requires you to turn on every light in the room, have an extremely steady hand, and have the patience to repeat the scan over and over again. It’s faster just to type in titles and ISBNs.

But again, this isn’t intended as a jerkish, “You’re not so smart! I could do all that!” post (although I have to say there is a little bit of arrogance surrounding Delicious Monster that I’d like to see dispelled). I’m really pointing out how impressive it is that this kind of thing is included at the operating system level these days. I’ve spent so much time lamenting the death of HyperCard that I never clued into how quickly “real” programming was developing.

With Leopard and the Interface Builder and XCode included free (like HyperCard), you can build a completely functional interface with no code (like HyperCard), you can hook it up to a database with no code (like HyperCard), you can drop whatever media and data you’ve got from other apps into your own (like HyperCard), and you can quickly and easily design really slick-looking transitions and other “fluff” stuff that just makes the app more enjoyable to use (like HyperCard). But you’re not bound to the card/stack metaphor, and you’ve got the entire internet at your disposal as a data source. Things that I never would’ve thought possible when I started programming, are trivial now.

So I’m not saying the “delicious generation” fizzled out. Considering that some flashy indie apps have made their way into the operating system itself, maybe Apple really did take their inspiration from these outside developers, but systemized it and legitimized it so that you get the flash without sacrificing the functionality. It makes me realize that the company is really living up to its publicized philosophy: taking computers from being just a necessity, to being things that are actually fun to use.

Whatever the case, I’m still not paying $40 or even $20 to organize my damn DVD collection. I’d rather write my own program.

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Cine Puro

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Memorial Day weekend seemed like as good a time as any to make some progress on the Netflix queue, in the form of a style-over-substance double feature.

In one of the special features for The Orphanage, executive producer Guillermo del Toro describes a couple of scenes as “pure cinema.” He’s talking about the scenes without dialogue that work just on the basis of some really creepy visuals, but he could just as well be describing the whole movie.

Because The Orphanage could only work as a movie, and it does so surprisingly well. It relies on suspense instead of cheap scares — except for one shot involving an ambulance, which works because it’s timed perfectly — but any of the suspenseful scenes, taken out of context, would just seem silly. Its plot is an almost insultingly simple and straightforward ghost story, but the movie knows exactly how much emphasis to give to the plot and how much to give to the psychological drama. And the drama would turn into overwrought or cloying melodrama without the performance of the lead actress, and the careful way scenes are staged and filmed.

You’ll frequently see it compared to The Others and Pan’s Labyrinth, but that’s not just a case of lazy movie reviewing, comparing it to the only other Spanish-made horror-like movies that Americans have heard of. It exists squarely between those two: it’s a better movie than The Others, with more depth and without the need for a twist ending, but with a very similar look, a similar premise (a mother trapped in a cavernous, haunted house), and an “old-school” ghost story mentality.

And it’s not as good as Pan’s Labyrinth, but thematically it’s extremely similar. I wish that they were more similar: there are scenes where the mother is playing with her son that are just wonderful, but they’re quickly relegated to being plot points, instead of reminders of what it’s like to think like a child. And they tacked on two completely unnecessary short scenes at the end of the movie (and flashbacks during the climax) to explain everything; I wish they’d stuck with the ambiguously happy ending of Pan’s Labyrinth.

People who get paid to review movies frequently toss around the term “dream-like,” and I’d use that here, but in a different context: it’s like the kind of dream that feels so vivid and meaningful right as you wake up, but the second you try to explain it or even remember the details, it seems trite and meaningless. I really enjoyed The Orphanage an awful lot, and everything it tried to do — from horror to drama to joyful “childlike wonder” moments — totally worked for me up until the end. But I’m wary of thinking about it too much, because I’m afraid it’ll evaporate.

Snatch, on the other hand, is just plain bullshit. I don’t even like calling it style over substance, since it’s been less than eight years and already there’s no style left. It’s an hour and a half being assaulted by a jackass who believes he’s a hell of a lot cooler and smarter than he is. I can’t remember the last time I’ve wanted so much to physically smack the smug dumb-ass expression off of a movie.

And I’m really tired of seeing movies that prove Quentin Tarantino knows what he’s doing, and how awful it is when some tone-deaf person tries to do the same thing. Hey, why don’t you spin the camera around one more time, cool guy? That is what we in the movie business call style, man, that shit never gets old.

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The Calls Are Coming From Within the Ice Level!

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Previously on Spectre Collie, I made the claim that storytelling in “passive” media like books and movies isn’t as passive as people like to think. A well-told story demands that the audience stay actively engaged in the telling, processing what’s come so far and anticipating what happens next.

The interesting thing is: this is so integral a part of storytelling that even the not-so-well-told stories do it, sometimes without even realizing it. Last time, I compared the movie Adaptation to the game BioShock, because each uses the limitations of its format (a cliche-filled Hollywood action movie, or a linear first-person shooter game) to feed back into its story and deliver a more significant message (about the misguided passion for perfection, or the nature of free will).

The most common criticism of both of those is that they’re “meta” stories, based solely on a gimmick, with the director (or screenwriter) or designer dangling his message just out of the audience’s grasp, all the while thinking he’s so clever. But the idea of manipulating the audience’s expectations isn’t particularly new or post-modern; it’s a fundamental building block of storytelling.

Any story worth hearing (or reading, or watching, or playing) is going to have moments where the audience has to fill in the gaps and make predictions, forming its own parallel version of events that’ll get rewritten in collaboration with the storyteller. On its own, that’s not the type of activity that people mean when they talk about interactive entertainment. And that’s a problem, because it’s the most interesting type of activity. And understanding how it works will lead to better storytelling in games.

Myth 5: A story is a sequence of events leading to a conclusion.

Whenever anybody says that storytelling is “passive,” I have to wonder if they’ve ever seen a horror movie with a big crowd. The first time I saw Scream, it was in a theater packed with Marin County high school students taking advantage of Tightwad Tuesday. I’d have a hard time calling that audience “passive;” they were screaming, laughing, and yelling back at the screen.

Now, Scream came out during the crest of the Irony Wave of the mid-90s, so it’s definitely overloaded with gimmicky “meta” moments. But it didn’t really do anything to change the rules of horror movies; all it did was explicitly spell out the rules before it carried through on them. And the first rule of any horror movie, from the most highbrow suspense thriller to the cheesiest B-movie, is “don’t go into that room.”

birdsdoor.jpgScream‘s most memorable “don’t go into that room” moment kind of sucked (seriously, who thought death by automatic garage door was scary?), so look at the most famous one from The Birds: Melanie Daniels is sitting in a dark living room after everyone else has fallen asleep. She hears a noise. She picks up a flashlight and gets up to check it out. It’s not the lovebirds in the next room, so it must be upstairs. She looks at the stairs to the door for a moment, deciding whether to go in. She walks up the stairs. When she gets to the top, she reaches for the doorknob. She opens the door and goes inside. (Spoiler: there’s a bunch of birds in there).

Now, that scene goes on for like three or four minutes, and taken out of context, it’s every bit as tedious as I just described. Seriously, nothing happens. It’s even less inherently creepy than a little boy riding his Big Wheel through the halls of an empty hotel. You’d think that with as much praise as Hitchcock gets, he would’ve had the sense to cut that scene shorter, or out altogether.

Except we all know, on a gut level, why this scene is in the movie. The short answer is “pacing,” but that’s an over-simplification. It’s not just a case of shifting from loud to quiet, or action to rest, but shifting the audience’s role from passive observer to active participant. There’s still a story going on, but the storyteller is inviting the audience to compare their version of things to the one that’s playing out on screen. The story isn’t just a sequence of events, but also the decisions leading up to those events — it’s not just what’s happening, but how it’s happening and why it happens.

What do you, the audience, think?

We all know that something scary is behind that door. Considering what we’ve seen so far, including the title of the movie, we know that it probably somehow involves birds. But we don’t know what exactly it’s going to be. Much of the scene is shot from a first-person view; we’re not just watching stuff happen to the star, we’re making decisions about what she should do next, and what’s going to happen as a result.

Should she try harder to wake up the others? Should she get a weapon? Should she devise some way to find out what’s behind the door without opening it? Should she just forget about the door altogether, and leave it until morning? What’s going to be on the other side? Is she really at risk of dying when she sees it? Would the movie really kill her off without a resolution of the love story?

Once we get through the door, that’s when movies and videogames diverge: movies become completely passive, showing the audience whatever nasty monster or expensive CG effect the storyteller’s come up with. And games become completely active, inviting the audience to run around and mash buttons until everything’s dead. The pay-off’s not the key, the build-up is. It’s during the build-up that videogames and movies are the most similar.

Of course, the audience doesn’t have real control over what happens; we’re inexorably pulled up the stairs and through that door no matter what. But does that really matter? “Survival Horror” is the videogame world’s attempt at horror and suspense, but I don’t know of any game that lets you do the sensible thing, just forget about the zombies and just dial 911. And if such a game exists, I don’t think I’d want to play it. You’re going to go through the door, but that’s not the interesting part. It’s not about what happens, but about what could happen.

No one will be admitted during the chilling Boss Fight sequence!

But games still don’t get this. We’ve been conditioned to think that “interactivity” makes games an entirely new medium, and we’re adamant that we have nothing to learn from the movies that have already mastered a lot of this stuff. So we liberally borrow the most shallow aspects of movie storytelling and try to graft those on top of a videogame. We pretend that there’s a clean division between “gameplay” and “story,” putting all the cinematic stuff into the “story” section to make the “gameplay” section seem cooler, instead of learning what the cinematic stuff really does.

So our games end up playing like long sequences of pay-offs, with interminable, dull storytelling spots in the middle. We assume that we have no control over pacing. And we insist on a clean break between passive storytelling and active playing, which means “cut-scenes” and “interactive sections.” Basically, we throw pacing out the window, letting the player run around unsupervised for 90% of the game, until we grab control back from him to show him parts of a story he doesn’t really care about.

For example: every time BioShock tried to do straight-up horror, it failed for me. It came across more like the cheesy Castle movie remakes like House on Haunted Hill and Thirteen Ghosts. Messages scrawled in blood, gruesome medical facilities, bodies sprawled out all over the place, and loads of rusty hooks. But the best moment of the game, and I’d say of any game last year, was the “don’t go into that door!” moment leading up to your showdown with Andrew Ryan. Everything in the game has been building up to this point, and you know that something big is going to happen on the other side, even if you don’t know exactly what it is. You run through a couple of empty corridors, building up to an epic confrontation, speculating on which combination of weapons and superpowers you’re going to use, putting together the bits of story you’ve seen so far. Then, in a quiet anteroom, you see the biggest reveal of the entire game, written on a wall (in blood, of course). The following cutscene is basically just clean-up work; the climax just happened, in an “interactive” section. And it didn’t involve shooting anyone or leveling up, but piecing together the story without having it handed to you.

The best example of “don’t go into that door” that I’ve seen in games is in the Silent Hill series. I’ve never been impressed with the games overall, from what I’ve seen, but the radio mechanic is just genius. As you get closer to danger, the static on a handheld radio the protagonist carries gets stronger. It’s creepy, it serves a function in the game, and it serves several functions in the story, not the least of which is to remind the player that something supernatural is going on. Basically, the storytelling never stops, since you’re given constant feedback as to whether something spooky is happening.

In games, you’ll find a lot more examples of the “don’t go into that door” moment’s evil twin, the “oh, it’s just the cat!” moment. In a movie, a cat (or even a monster) suddenly jumping out of nowhere is the worst of cheap scares, because it breaks the contract between the audience and the director. We’ve watched this young, almost naked college girl walking down a dark hallway, we’ve invested thought into whatever horrible thing is going to happen to her at the end of the hallway, so don’t cheat us out of that by making it something we couldn’t have predicted.

But even in games without monster closets, we’ve got no problem just throwing a ton of monsters (where “monster” is shorthand for “any obstacle”) at the player, with no predictability or reason. The story gets shut down completely, reduced to an insultingly simple “You’re at point A and need to get to point B.” The level designer will usually make a token stab at pacing by the order he places enemies and power-ups, but for the most part, all storytelling conventions have been thrown out the window. So there’s a short gauntlet of having enemies thrown at you for a few minutes, until you get to the next cutscene; sometimes you’re asked to push a button or pull a lever.

How is that not passive?

The End… OR IS IT?!?

All of this stuff may seem specific to horror and suspense, but it’s not. All comedy is based on playing with the audience’s expectations, as well. Horror movies are just a good example because they prove that none of this is all that hard: if Friday the 13th can do it, why can’t we?

The basic lesson is this: game developers like to think of games as semi-controlled environments, where we have control during cut-scenes and chokepoints, and relinquish it for the interactive sections. This is bad; it leads to shallow games annoyingly interrupted by bad stories. What we need to realize is that we never have complete control over the audience. Not even “passive” media like movies and TV have that.

And to realize that, first we have to realize that the audience — even the droolingest fanboy in the comments section of a videogame blog somewhere — is always thinking. You can’t stop it; it’s the curse of being human. So don’t try to divide the game into “the time when I do the thinking,” and “the time when you do the thinking.” Instead, find a way to use it to your advantage; as movies prove, you can use the audience’s creativity to tell your story.

Open up the game, let the player figure out the story as he goes along. Don’t worry that everything has to be revealed in a cutscene before you relinquish control to the player, or he’ll be completely lost — it’s a joystick and some buttons; it’s not rocket science. And stay open to the idea that the player’s got his own version of events that’s constantly being updated and compared to the version that you’re trying to show. As it stands now, we’re putting all our energy into making what happens on the other side of the door. We need to put more effort into what happens in the long hallway leading up to the door.

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Indiana Jones and the Appendix of the Forbidden Links

My on-again, off-again mind-meld with Stephanie Zacharek of Salon.com seems to be back on again, with her review of Indiana Jones 4. The part she describes best is the first scene where (possible spoiler?) Indy runs into Marion:

When he sees her, his face shows what can only be described as pure delight, and it’s little wonder: Allen, an actress of a certain age who isn’t afraid to look like a real person, is radiant here. Her performance is like joy let out of a box.

That’s a perfect description, and is one thing I missed mentioning earlier: Karen Allen may just be the best part of the new movie. Like any of the characters, she doesn’t really get to do much. But whenever she’s on screen, you really get the sense that she’s just happy to be back with the gang, making another Indy movie after all these years. One of the best moments, because it’s one of the only ones that feels genuine, is when Indy first sees her, and he gets a goofy grin on his face that almost feels like he’s breaking character.

Steven Spielberg’s movies tend to be full of emotional moments that always feel more staged than genuine. This one feels like it slipped through the impenetrable wall of artifice and accidentally let some genuine happiness come through. It’s a reminder that none of the people involved in this movie need to prove anything, or need to re-establish a franchise, and they definitely don’t need any more money. They made this one just to have fun with it. And that’s what renders any criticisms from over-entitled “fans” moot, because that’s the spirit that comes through overall: it feels like they had fun making this movie, and they just made it for the hell of it.

Zacharek is still totally wrong about the Coen brothers and Wes Anderson, though.

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Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Jaded Eye

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Watching the new Indiana Jones movie gave me severe diarrhea. Actually, the two events are most likely unrelated, but I wanted to take a cue from the pharmaceutical business and warn of any potential side effects: a small but not insignificant group of viewers reported spending the 15 hours following the movie being frequently and painfully reminded that man lives entirely at the mercy of his gastrointestinal tract.

As for the movie itself: I liked it a lot. I thought it was very much in the spirit of Raiders of the Lost Ark, with the goofiness of Temple of Doom and the self-awareness of The Last Crusade.

I went in almost completely unspoiled, knowing nothing except the basic cast and roughly when it was set. I didn’t have high expectations, and I wasn’t going in looking for flaws, either. I’d recommend everybody do the same.

So don’t bother reading the rest of this until you’ve seen it (and you know you will).

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LA Beckons

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As much as I liked working for Disney, I definitely don’t miss having to go down to Los Angeles so often. Southern California and I just don’t get along, and the past few weeks have been filled with pleasant reminders of how estranged we’ve become. United and Hilton both sent me cards revoking my Premier frequent traveler status. Every time I get in my car, I know exactly what side the gas tank is on. I haven’t slept in a hotel since February. Disneyland is starting to seem like an interesting place again. And I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve had to drive south on 101 towards the airport.

But there’ve been developments over the past couple of weeks that make me kind of anxious to go back. First is the new Simpsons Ride at Universal Studios. I’m not that big a fan of “The Simpsons” (“Futurama” is more my thing), and I’m definitely not a fan of Universal Studios — having stayed at a hotel across from the Universal CityWalk six or seven times, I’ve sworn repeatedly that I’d never willingly go back.

But the Spider-Man ride at Islands of Adventure in Orlando is just awesome, even good enough to warrant paying admission to an otherwise dismal theme park. I’ve been avoiding reading too much about it or watching videos, but from the snippets I have read, it sounds like it’s a solid rehab of the “Back to the Future” ride, if not as cool as Spider-Man. I can’t remember if I ever actually rode “Back to the Future,” so it’d all be new to me.

Whether it’s worth a six-hour drive? I dunno; I’ve done stupider things.

The other attractor was this blog post on Entertainment Weekly about The Swell Season (warning: that links to a myspace page) on tour. It’s Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova from Once, performing songs from that movie. And the closest they’re coming to San Francisco is the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles, on October 4th.

I liked the movie enough to send me into a consumerist frenzy on Amazon afterwards, and I ended up getting the movie’s soundtrack as well as the Swell Season CD. Both have mostly the same songs, but there are enough subtle differences to make me feel like I didn’t waste my money. I imagine seeing and hearing them live would add even more. Seems like it would be a great show.

(Especially since Iron & Wine is opening, and I’ve gotten to be a fan recently. Which I guess means I’m squarely in the VH-1 demographic now. Or else I’m just very pro-beard music).

Again, worth six hours of torment on I-5?

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Controlling Interest

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I don’t have much of interest to say about this week’s episode of “Lost” (“There’s No Place Like Home, Part 1″), but that’s never stopped me before…

I’ve been really impressed with this season, and how well they’ve turned the series around. It’s gone from something that I watch just to see where it goes, back to must-see “I can’t believe how cool this show is” programming. Still, a lot of the episodes feel like characters being moved around on a giant island-shaped chessboard. People meet up, separate, and travel from place to place not so much out of a genuine motivation, but because the story just needs them to be in a certain place at a certain time.

Still, it’s good stuff. A while ago, I recommended that they just dispense with the new mysteries and spend the rest of the series just wrapping up the old ones. I’m glad to see they haven’t done that. Instead, they introduced the Ben/Widmore rivalry and put that on a low boil, while they work backwards from the end of season 3 and attempt to get it to hook up with the events of season 4. And they’re calling back to the old favorites (like the numbers), as well as giving some closure to stories developed in flashbacks.

Speaking of that, this is one of the few episodes where the flashbacks (or flash-forwards) are more interesting than the island-based story. Not a whole lot happened here, but Sun’s moment of retribution just kicked all kinds of ass, making me think they’re actually going to have a somewhat satisfying conclusion to the whole Sun & Jin story.

Also, I’m glad to see I was wrong when I accused them of just perfunctorily ending the Sayid & Nadia story. Instead of devoting an entire episode to it, they just let us piece together what happened from snatches of dialogue, and from seeing them together in the other characters’ flash-forwards. That turns out to be a lot more effective than any number of love scenes set to swelling music.

Watching the episode on the website doesn’t give a teaser trailer, so I’m going into next week’s episode completely oblivious. (Is it the season finale, or is that the week after?) Since we’re getting into The Orchid station and finally meeting the other Others, not to mention a ship loaded with explosives, I’m expecting no small amount of awesomeness. And most likely the deaths of a few more characters.

Frustrating things:

  • Since I was wrong about Nadia & Sayid, I could be wrong to assume that they’re done with Danielle’s story. It’s only been a couple weeks, but the longer they go without mentioning it, the more anxious I get that they’re going to drop that whole storyline and never give a resolution to the Black Rock/Numbers/Sickness business.
  • Michelle Forbes is usually the anti-Ted McGinley; when she shows up in a series, it’s a sign that things are about to get more interesting. I hope there’s more to her character than just being an Oceanic Airlines PR person.
  • They’ve been spending a lot of time on the Claire/Jack/Aaron/Jack’s Dad business, without actually saying anything we didn’t already know.
  • Things don’t look good for Jin. Seeing Future Sun administer a smackdown to her father helped make this a little easier to swallow, but I’m still holding out hope for a happy ending there. I hope that the Oceanic Six believe they’re covering up the truth, but that there’s more going on than even they are aware of.

Plus I wonder if next week is when we find out who was in the coffin.

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My Life as a Shut-In

lifeasakingmoogles.jpgNintendo’s WiiWare service went live last week. To help pass the time until the release of SBCG4AP, other companies have graciously agreed to release their own games. One of those games is Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: My Life as a King, which I downloaded to “check out for a few minutes,” to see how the whole WiiWare business worked.

That was my first mistake. This game is pure digitally-downloaded evil. You play as the annoyingly foppish child-king of a village, staying at home to rebuild your kingdom while non-player characters run out to explore dungeons, fight monsters, and do the kind of stuff you usually do in a Final Fantasy game.

You wander around the castle, building houses and shops, talking to the villagers, and hiring adventurers to go out to explore dungeons. The adventurers bring back money and magic crystals-or-whatever, which let you build more stuff and hire more adventurers. Talking to the Sims villagers gives you money bonuses and helps your adventurers perform better. Unlocking new buildings opens up more of the Final Fantasy job classes, which in turn open new buildings. The game is divided into short “days” of about 10 minutes each; the game saves itself at the end of each one, and then presents you with a set of tasks for the next.

For anybody reading this who’s not familiar with videogames, the gist of that last paragraph was this: imagine someone taking a deadly grizzly bear, a man-eating shark, laser beams, the Ebola virus, and Hitler’s brain, and combining them all into one hideous creature. For this game, Square Enix has taken all of the most insidiously addictive game systems in existence; combined them in their most raw, unrefined form; and unleashed it on the hapless, obsessive-compulsive populace.

It’s city building + dungeon exploration (without having to actually explore anything) + Final Fantasy job systems + leveling up + a light Sims-style social game. All wrapped up with the Harvest Moon savegame system, which is itself a masterpiece of evilly manipulative game design, in that it makes it impossible not to play “just one more day.”

I couldn’t begin to explain to another human being how any of this is “fun,” but still I’m looking warily at the TV in the next room, thinking how it wouldn’t hurt to get up and play just a little bit more. This is pure stimulus/response type stuff — I might as well be a monkey with electrodes attached to the pleasure centers of his brain, pushing a button over and over again.

You do get new buildings every once in a while, and occasional story moments, but 90% of the time, your “reward” for doing stuff is a simple text message saying that you did it. But still, it always feels like there’s a big reward just over the horizon. I’ve been thinking that I’ve just got to clear out a certain dungeon in the game, because that will open up this next area, all without realizing that the “reward” for opening up the next area is nothing more than a flashing dot on a map. It’s a little bit like reading a debug log of someone else playing a Final Fantasy game.

I need to learn to avoid these games that have you doing city building, or gardening, or leveling up, because it always ends the same for me: I go on automatic for a week or two, then suddenly snap out of the trance and wander around, Lost Weekend style, with nothing to show for it but a level 15 watering pail or a city with a 5×5 skyscraper or a Sim who’s reached the top of the journalism career.

But on the other hand, this game does have a character named Hugh Yurg, and you gotta respect that.

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