Last year when I was stationed at Epcot, I wrote about the promotional video that runs in a constant loop on the TVs in all the Disney hotels. It’s hosted by the annoying and yet inexplicably alluring Stacey, who guides you, talking incessantly, through all the theme parks, water parks, golf courses, and stores of Walt Disney World.

Sure, they let you turn to other channels on the Disney TVs, but I’d be lying if I tried to pretend that this loop isn’t kept running non-stop every second I’m in a hotel room at Disney World. It’s not because it’s changing or giving out any new information; after just a day in the hotel, you can pretty much recite the whole thing from memory. I really watch it just for the same reason you scream when you see the Matterhorn from the freeway, or why my brother and I would scream at our parents to turn on the radio when we were driving down to Disney World and passed a sign that said “Disney Info 1540 AM.” It’s a constant broadcast reminder that you really are at Disney World!

But now, we can all cheat. A friend at Imagineering sent a link to the whole video on Google Video. The internet finally pays off!

Enjoy, won’t you? Some of my favorites:

• 03:20: Stacey is, for some reason,being interviewed about her golf game. These David Lynch-style breaks in continuity are frequent and nonsesnsical; do not be alarmed.
• 04:29: Please don’t say “waterslides out the wazoo” again.
• 04:50: “Summit Plummet,” “Let’s get it on!” and “waterpark wedgies”.
• 05:38: “Look at all these lazy people in the lazy river.”
• 10:30: The infamous Triple Mountain Whammy.
• 15:50: “Love roller coasters. Love Aerosmith. Hello!”
• 19:00: Stacey embarrasses white people everywhere by talking about the tribal rhythm in her blood.
• 20:30: Stacey confirms most Disney World visitors’ suspicion that Africa is a disease-ridden hellhole.
• 26:40: Cougar Stacey makes inappropriate advances on the Gelato guy.
• 27:00: Stacey has “pretzels und bier” and drags out 12 other cultural sterotypes in 30 seconds. Note that she has nothing of interest to say about Canada other than acknowledging that she’s in Canada.

Is it weird to go over a promotional video in such detail? Definitely. But like I said, I’ve watched this thing more times than Oliver Stone watched the Zapruder film. Having it on the internet is a dream come true.

And if you’re old-school like me, you’ll probably make similar noises of excitement when you see they’ve got older versions as well. Most of the times I’ve gone to the park, they were running this paper-cutout version — if you’ve ever wondered how long it takes “Zip a Dee Doo Dah” to get out of your head after hearing it incessantly for 5 days straight, the answer is: never.

Even more rare is the version from 2004, which was evidently the test run for the Staceyfied version. It’s hosted by a primitive, more realistic, less abrasive but somewhat less inspiring proto-Stacey named “Chrissa.” When I went in 2005, I was surprised and disappointed that Chrissa had been replaced. I like to imagine that Disney holds a battle to the death each year to determine the host of the in-hotel promotional video.

You may be at the top of the Triple Mountain Whammy for now, Stacey, but can you defend the title? You’re safe… but for how long?!?

Considering how memorable the stories are, it’s obvious Stephen King and the fearmeisters responsible for The Car were tapping into something primal and universal with the idea of an evil car.

I just think that by having the car totally flip out and kill people, they missed out on a prime opportunity for dread and true horror. A murderous demon car jumping through windows to run over girlfriends? That’s just a quick, cheap cat-jumping-out-of-the-cupboard scare. How come nobody’s captured the true long-term dread and despair? The kind you only get from owning a no-less evil, but passive-aggressive car?

Like, for instance, a POS Jetta that’s so boring and practical it latches onto your soul like a deer tick, slowly sucking the life out of you over eight long years. And lets every convenience feature break in the first year or two, but refuses to die. And goes dead in the middle of 70mph freeway traffic. And then its alternator goes out and kills the battery, stranding you in a ditch on the side of 101 north where you have to get towed to pay over 800 bucks for a repair on a car you don’t even want anymore.

It’s not just soul-draining and money-draining, but it does weird things to you, psychologically: I’m so fed up with it now that I’m ready to take a Bullitt. I’ve never seen the movie, and I’ve never been into muscle cars, but damn that’s a nice-looking car.

At this point, I’m ready to just get a big, stupid, impractical and irresponsible car. So what if the planet’s running out of oil? Haven’t I offset my carbon footprint enough over the past eight years, driving a car that gets 28 mpg? What’s the harm in going back into debt to get an overpriced car that’s bad for the environment? Or a convertible that’s completely impractical for the San Francisco bay area?