Wish You Weren’t Here

Unlike Los Angeles, antibodies have a fab region.I’m in the middle of another week-long stay in the glorious Burbank/Glendale area. It’s made slightly more pleasant by the fact that it’s almost certainly going to be my last. Barring any unforseen catastrophe, of course, and assuming that I’m not seriously mistaken in my belief that Hell is a concept and not an actual place.

I’ve been here dozens of times now, and it’s settled into a familiar routine: go to SFO, fly down to Burbank, get unduly annoyed at the rental car lady, drive to the office, spend the day in meetings, check into the hotel, get on the internet and bitch about LA, collapse into an uneasy sleep of Glendale-themed nightmares, repeat.

The weird thing is that although it’s gotten routine, it still doesn’t feel comfortable. My default state in any unfamiliar place is to feel like I don’t belong, but here, that feeling is almost palpable. It’s as if the entire LA area is filled with trillions of Chuck antibodies, persistently and aggressively reminding me that I’m not supposed to be here.

It starts with the nasal congestion I’ve complained about earlier; the city’s first defense is to try to suffocate me. Next it tries to drive me out with a headache that usually lasts a day and a half. Then, once it realizes I’m still here, it decides it’ll at least render me harmless, by making me fall asleep at some ridiculously early hour, like 4 in the afternoon. Once all the initial attacks fail, it just spends the rest of the time giving me indigestion.

Traveling down here is about as simple as it could possibly be while still having an airplane involved. The people are friendly enough. The hotel is comfortable. But it still just feels overwhelmingly off. And even after two years of frequent visits, it still doesn’t sit right with me. As I was driving in, I started trying to build up some nostalgia, thinking “this is the last time I’ll see this rental car booth” and the like, but none of it would take. After this is all wrapped up, I’ll miss some of my coworkers, but I won’t miss the place, because I never feel like I’m really here.

My current, non-biovirus-based theory to explain why I have such an aversion to LA, when plenty of people adjust to it fine and even love it, is that it’s just a combination of unrealistic expectations and burnout. I was reminded last weekend that growing up, I always thought of LA (and inexplicably, Burbank) as exotic places. That was where all the TV happened, after all. And in particular, the building I’m typing in now is the epicenter of everything my eight-year-old self thought was cool.

The problem is that Burbank and Glendale, and much of LA in fact, isn’t exotic, but is aggressively mundane. It doesn’t even have the depressing-but-still-somehow-interesting slickness and artificiality of downtown LA. It’s just miles and miles of outdated chain restaurants and grocery stores and office buildings and strip malls, punctuated by TV and movie studios and the Hollywood Bowl.

You’ll find that feeling in any suburb — the sense that the people there have sacrificed a little bit of their souls for the sake of convenient shopping and easy parking. And who am I to judge, seeing as how I’m an outspoken advocate of the path of least resistance. Plus, there’s only so much excitement you can take before it’s time to just run errands and buy groceries again.

But here, it’s amplified. Living in the middle of the entertainment industry is supposed to be at least interesting: either like some bohemian artists’ neighborhood in New York or Europe, or the soulless but tempting live of excess privilege like you always see in the cautionary tales about success in Hollywood. It’s not supposed to be so flat, and average, and suburban, and boring.

So basically, after about two and half years of frequent visits, my assessment is: it’s a nice place to visit, but get me the hell out of here.

2 Comments »

Best News Headline of the Week

From the My Yahoo! page:

“Uh hello I am not an amputee I prefer to be called a Stump American thank you very much. And I don’t see why you gotta be making fun of my cancer and shit. Bad enough I gotta be drinking all this water without you talkin’ shit about my stump.”

4 Comments »

Is there anybody going to listen to my story?

Viva la cutscene!There’s been quite a bit written on the internets lately about writing and storytelling in videogames, and frankly, I’m relieved. I was starting to get concerned that everybody had just given up.

People have been bitching for years about how the writing in videogames sucks. Long cut-scenes suck. And nobody cares about that stuff anyway, because they just want to get back to punching and shooting stuff. But I always assumed that that was just because they didn’t know any better. Even the most hard-line defender of videogames has to admit that the state of the art has been pretty dismal.

As much as I hate to trot out the old cliches, they’re mostly dead-on: the focus has always been on technology and visuals, with story and writing as an afterthought. More often than not, the stories and dialogue have been made by programmers, or artists and producers whose idea of high art is The Matrix. And even when publishers bring in the “real” talent, it’s usually been at the last minute. They’ll contract a science fiction novelist for the last couple months of development to write dialogue for their story about space marines with cybernetic implants and no memory of their past, and then act like that’s the highest achievement you can expect. And even that sorry level of non-commitment is only for the projects with the highest budgets; most titles haven’t aspired to reach the quality levels of even the worst television and best anime.

I always thought that if a game finally got it right, people would catch on. As evidence: the Old Man Murray guys put themselves out as the curmudgeonly, anti-intellectual voice of the unpretentious videogame audience, and they’d frequently complain when games tried to get all uppity and pretend like they were art. But you could still see their eyes light up about No One Lives Forever. And that game was a pretty standard stealth-FPS except for its storyline and some pretty clever dialogue.

Lately, though, a frightful rumbling has been going on across the weboblogosphere. Roger Ebert stirred up a shitstorm of angry, Halo-addled shut-ins when he said that videogames were incapable of being art, but he was hardly the first person to ask the question. It used to be that the question would result in a long and tedious debate about the role of “meaning” in videogames, lots of knee-jerk defensive arguments about how the industry is still in its infancy and they must be judged on different criteria than other media and by the way have you seen ICO/Grim Fandango/Rez/Deus Ex?

But nowadays when you ask “are videogames art?”, the response is less likely to be the usual debate about the role of “meaning” in videogames and more likely to be “Who cares? Shut up! Nobody understands me. Fuck you!” Games aren’t supposed to be art, they’re supposed to be fun. The game mechanic is what’s most important. Human beings are better than any AI, so it’s all about multiplayer, and cut-scenes just get in the way, so get them out of my face and let me start playing.

It’s not just the undereducated gaming masses saying this stuff, either. At this year’s SXSW Conference, Will Wright delivered a keynote about Spore and procedurally-generated game content. The actual transcript of his speech is pretty even-handed, but if you were to go just off the recaps posted in blogs everywhere, you’d think the key take-away was this: developer-created stories are an anachronism. Player-created stories are the future. Every time you make a cut-scene, you’re crushing a child’s soul.

Now, Will Wright’s one of the only people working in games that I have no reservations about calling a genius. Even better, an entertaining genius. So there’s no way I’m going to go on record as flat-out disagreeing with him.

But I will say that taking his presentation as the Grand Unified Theory of videogame creation is a path doomed to disappointment. I don’t even believe that was his intention; he’s got his biases and preferences — in his case, playing meta-games, treating the released version of a game as a toy or sandbox to create his own version of the game. And the Spore model is not the way to make videogames, but a way.

Most troubling is this quote:

I wanna take the player out of the protagonist of Luke Skywalker, and put them in the world of George Lucas.

Of course, when you put people into the role of George Lucas, you end up with stories like those written by George Lucas.

That’s not just a slam against Lucas, it’s getting at the basic truth: making a good story is hard. Even the guy who made Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back and Raiders of the Lost Ark isn’t guaranteed to hit it out of the park every time. Will Wright puts his own optimistic spin on it when talking about user-created game content and social networking sites:

But most of the content is not so good, and a smaller percentage is great, but as we give them better and better tools, we’ll increase the quality of what they’re doing.

Which is a nice thought, I guess, but even the best tools can’t create talent where there is none. You can get a copy of Photoshop and a fancy graphics tablet, and that doesn’t make you an artist. (I speak from experience here).

But say you take a less pessimistic view, and assume that every person has a great story inside him that’s just bursting to get out, if only he could find the right tools. There’s still the question of inspiration. I want a game, or a movie, or a TV show, to show me something that I haven’t seen before. I want to see stuff that’s better than the stuff I’m capable of making. I like to think I’m a pretty imaginative guy, but the best story I’ve ever come up with in The Sims is one that I’d dismiss as pointless trash if I saw it on TV or read it in a book. And it didn’t teach me anything I didn’t already know.

Opening things up to multiplayer isn’t a cure-all, either. It just turns your story into “And then I was crouching behind that wall when I saw the red team getting closer to the bomb and I pulled out the sniper rifle right before he reached it and just nailed him but then a red guy came around and circle-strafed me with an AK-47 and I died.” Awesome story, I want to hear that one again. The current crop of multiplayer games, even ones with great game mechanics, are social experiences. Calling them a “story” would be like building a theater, getting the audience together, and then never putting on the play.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a well-designed multiplayer game, especially if it’s got a solid game mechanic underneath everything. But I know that games are capable of more than that; I’ve seen it. Wouldn’t it be great if I could play Counter Strike for a couple of hours and feel that I’d actually learned something, experienced something, or accomplished something greater than just getting better at Counter Strike?

I’d be the first to say I’m defensive about keeping story — real stories, not just settings or scenarios or interactive toolsets — in games. Obviously, the main reason is because I want to get the chance to make one, dammit. The work I’ve done that I’m proudest of has been writing for videogames, but it’s always been adding dialogue to other people’s stories. And they’ve been pretty traditional, putting what I like to think is a higher level of polish, but on an already established format. I want to try to come up with a new way of telling a story in a videogame, that shows more of what the medium’s capable of. If only to find out whether I really do understand how these things work, or if I’m just all talk.

The other reason is that I can tell you pretty much exactly when I decided I wanted to work in videogames. I was in college working on an ill-conceived art major after having given up on film school, and I bought The Secret of Monkey Island. I didn’t know anything about the game other than having seen the demo; it was a parody of Citibank commercials at the time, and it was the first example of videogame material I’d ever seen that was genuinely funny, not just funny “for a game.” Now that I had the full game, I went through the opening and finished reading the first few bits of dialogue, and then exited the bar. The screen said “Meanwhile…” and cut to a scene on LeChuck’s pirate ship. They were miles away, talking about my character and what I’d been doing. The scene finished, and the game cut back to my character, standing outside the bar.

Baby’s first cut-scene, a magic moment. It’s pretty standard stuff now, and in fact is exactly the kind of thing that videogame fans have become jaded about and are now railing against, but at the time it was genuinely mind-altering. It had never occurred to me before that going into computer science didn’t necessarily mean a future of creative famine. Or that something on a computer could be as satisfying an experience as a movie or a TV show.

And I think it’s significant that the big moment for me wasn’t when a game gave me the freedom to tell my own story, but when it took control away from me and said: this is the kind of story we’re capable of telling.

That’s all preamble, and it’s already too long. Actual ideas of how to go about it will have to come in other posts. For background reading while you steel yourself for the coming onslaught of baseless conjecture, check out: Ben Kuchera’s articles about storytelling in games currently running on Ars Technica, and Warren Spector’s article about next-gen storytelling in The Escapist.

9 Comments »

The startled gasp of a beautiful woman

It occurred to me I never did go on enough about how much I love this Sam & Max short, written by Steve Purcell:

The list of things Max loves is the best thing I’ve heard in a long time.

God bless you, Sam & Max. I’ll never forget all you’ve done here today.

No Comments »

The Hits Just Keep On Coming

From the Rifftrax websiteThe whole Rifftrax thing has been accreting coolness like an asteroid belt; eventually I’m just going to have to be redirecting this site to that one.

What’s cool now is they finally got Mary Jo Pehl to do one. She played Mrs. Forrester on “Mystery Science Theater” (and also Jan in the pan from The Brain That Couldn’t Wouldn’t Die, and some other roles). And she’s always cracked me up. A few years ago, a bunch of the ex-MST3K gang wrote essays for a website called Ironminds, and hers were my favorites.

The downside: the movie is Glitter. And no matter how funny the commentary is, there are some movies that are still just too painful to get through. The Wicker Man was a miserable experience, and I’m not even going to bother with Battlefield Earth. But still, I have an obligation as a fan, so into the Netflix queue it goes.

Speaking of fan obligations, there’s the live Rifftrax repeat engagement at the Rafael theater at the end of the month, and I’m all giddy with anticipation already. It is a good time for mockery.

1 Comment »

Best news quote of the day

A somewhat gruesome story about a pair of Long Islanders keeping two women as “slaves” still managed to yield this totally awesome quote:

Authorities uncovered the alleged abuse after one of the women was found by police wandering outside a doughnut shop Sunday morning wearing only pants and a towel.

It’s awesome on two levels: a) police at a doughnut shop, obviously; and 2) the image of police wandering outside a doughnut shop wearing only pants and a towel.

Other police may say they love doughnuts, but the Long Island cops are hard-core.

No Comments »

At least my name isn’t Earl, I suppose.

I feel your pain.Now I know how the Geico Caveman feels.

One of my friends has been complaining that a Korean R&B singer has stolen her identity. I don’t know if one Korean singer is better or worse than an entire new series (warning: that link plays video).

The series, which I decree shall never again be mentioned on this site, is supposedly a “drama” about a “Computer geek by day. Government operative by night.” Here are excerpts from two descriptions, with the most egregious segments highlighted in bold:

Chuck Bartowski is just your average computer-whiz-next-door. He spends his days working for Buy-More with his band of nerdy cohorts, longing to find a woman who can appreciate him. But when an old friend, who happens to be a CIA agent, sends Chuck a mysterious encoded email, the world’s greatest spy secrets are embedded into his brain.
He never asked to become the government’s most powerful weapon, but the fate of the country suddenly lies in his unlikely hands. Hopefully, this won’t take away from his video game time! International terrorist plots, sexy spies and cold pizza – it’s all in a day’s work for our trusty hero…Chuck.

And from one of NBC’s press releases:

From executive producer, Josh Schwartz (”The O.C.”) and executive producer-director McG (”Charlie’s Angels,” “We Are Marshall”) comes a one-hour, comedic spy thriller about Chuck Bartowski (Zachary Levi, “Less Than Perfect”) - a computer geek who is catapulted into a new career as the government’s most vital secret agent. [...] Instead of fighting computer viruses, he must fight assassins and international terrorists. With the government’s most precious secrets in Chuck’s head, Major John Casey (Adam Baldwin, “My Bodyguard”) of the NSA assumes the responsibility of protecting him. His partner is the CIA’s top agent (and Chuck’s first date in years) Sarah Walker (Yvonne Strzechowski, “Gone”). They’ll keep him safe by trading in his pocket protector for a bulletproof vest.

Haw! Nerdy computer guys are named Chuck and they can’t find a woman and they work at Best Buy and play videogames and wear pocket protectors! And hey look — it’s 1985 and that stuff is still funny!

I wouldn’t be bothered by the series appropriating my name if it could at least come up with something original. (Especially since they’re also releasing a US remake of the BBC series “The IT Crowd,” which manages to tell the same jokes, but cleverly). Is it really this easy to get a pitch picked up for TV these days? Maybe the atmosphere is exactly the right time to pitch my series about how lawyers are unethical, or how LA TV executives are vapid and unoriginal.

Until then, the only way to dispel the stereotype of computer geek shut-ins named Chuck is to complain about it on my blog.

On the other hand, the new Bionic Woman series (warning: more video, but better) looks pretty awesome. I almost feel bad for making fun of it before. Granted, it looks to be almost as heavy on the personal drama as I suspected. I expect lots of “they can repair my body, but they can’t fix the damage to my soul!” But it’s also got evil cyborg Starbuck, which makes it okay.

10 Comments »

I just want a decent copy of this video!

My favorite commercial ever, back from when Cartoon Network was still cool, has been impossible to find for years. Once again, YouTube saves the day:

I would’ve been willing to move back to Atlanta and work for Cartoon Network all based on that one ad. And the one where Jinx the Cat is riding a big wheel like in The Shining. And the one where Moltar describes back-to-back “Sailor Moon” episodes as “one solid hour of all-girl action.”

1 Comment »