Is there anybody going to listen to my story?

Viva la cutscene!There’s been quite a bit written on the internets lately about writing and storytelling in videogames, and frankly, I’m relieved. I was starting to get concerned that everybody had just given up.

People have been bitching for years about how the writing in videogames sucks. Long cut-scenes suck. And nobody cares about that stuff anyway, because they just want to get back to punching and shooting stuff. But I always assumed that that was just because they didn’t know any better. Even the most hard-line defender of videogames has to admit that the state of the art has been pretty dismal.

As much as I hate to trot out the old cliches, they’re mostly dead-on: the focus has always been on technology and visuals, with story and writing as an afterthought. More often than not, the stories and dialogue have been made by programmers, or artists and producers whose idea of high art is The Matrix. And even when publishers bring in the “real” talent, it’s usually been at the last minute. They’ll contract a science fiction novelist for the last couple months of development to write dialogue for their story about space marines with cybernetic implants and no memory of their past, and then act like that’s the highest achievement you can expect. And even that sorry level of non-commitment is only for the projects with the highest budgets; most titles haven’t aspired to reach the quality levels of even the worst television and best anime.

I always thought that if a game finally got it right, people would catch on. As evidence: the Old Man Murray guys put themselves out as the curmudgeonly, anti-intellectual voice of the unpretentious videogame audience, and they’d frequently complain when games tried to get all uppity and pretend like they were art. But you could still see their eyes light up about No One Lives Forever. And that game was a pretty standard stealth-FPS except for its storyline and some pretty clever dialogue.

Lately, though, a frightful rumbling has been going on across the weboblogosphere. Roger Ebert stirred up a shitstorm of angry, Halo-addled shut-ins when he said that videogames were incapable of being art, but he was hardly the first person to ask the question. It used to be that the question would result in a long and tedious debate about the role of “meaning” in videogames, lots of knee-jerk defensive arguments about how the industry is still in its infancy and they must be judged on different criteria than other media and by the way have you seen ICO/Grim Fandango/Rez/Deus Ex?

But nowadays when you ask “are videogames art?”, the response is less likely to be the usual debate about the role of “meaning” in videogames and more likely to be “Who cares? Shut up! Nobody understands me. Fuck you!” Games aren’t supposed to be art, they’re supposed to be fun. The game mechanic is what’s most important. Human beings are better than any AI, so it’s all about multiplayer, and cut-scenes just get in the way, so get them out of my face and let me start playing.

It’s not just the undereducated gaming masses saying this stuff, either. At this year’s SXSW Conference, Will Wright delivered a keynote about Spore and procedurally-generated game content. The actual transcript of his speech is pretty even-handed, but if you were to go just off the recaps posted in blogs everywhere, you’d think the key take-away was this: developer-created stories are an anachronism. Player-created stories are the future. Every time you make a cut-scene, you’re crushing a child’s soul.

Now, Will Wright’s one of the only people working in games that I have no reservations about calling a genius. Even better, an entertaining genius. So there’s no way I’m going to go on record as flat-out disagreeing with him.

But I will say that taking his presentation as the Grand Unified Theory of videogame creation is a path doomed to disappointment. I don’t even believe that was his intention; he’s got his biases and preferences — in his case, playing meta-games, treating the released version of a game as a toy or sandbox to create his own version of the game. And the Spore model is not the way to make videogames, but a way.

Most troubling is this quote:

I wanna take the player out of the protagonist of Luke Skywalker, and put them in the world of George Lucas.

Of course, when you put people into the role of George Lucas, you end up with stories like those written by George Lucas.

That’s not just a slam against Lucas, it’s getting at the basic truth: making a good story is hard. Even the guy who made Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back and Raiders of the Lost Ark isn’t guaranteed to hit it out of the park every time. Will Wright puts his own optimistic spin on it when talking about user-created game content and social networking sites:

But most of the content is not so good, and a smaller percentage is great, but as we give them better and better tools, we’ll increase the quality of what they’re doing.

Which is a nice thought, I guess, but even the best tools can’t create talent where there is none. You can get a copy of Photoshop and a fancy graphics tablet, and that doesn’t make you an artist. (I speak from experience here).

But say you take a less pessimistic view, and assume that every person has a great story inside him that’s just bursting to get out, if only he could find the right tools. There’s still the question of inspiration. I want a game, or a movie, or a TV show, to show me something that I haven’t seen before. I want to see stuff that’s better than the stuff I’m capable of making. I like to think I’m a pretty imaginative guy, but the best story I’ve ever come up with in The Sims is one that I’d dismiss as pointless trash if I saw it on TV or read it in a book. And it didn’t teach me anything I didn’t already know.

Opening things up to multiplayer isn’t a cure-all, either. It just turns your story into “And then I was crouching behind that wall when I saw the red team getting closer to the bomb and I pulled out the sniper rifle right before he reached it and just nailed him but then a red guy came around and circle-strafed me with an AK-47 and I died.” Awesome story, I want to hear that one again. The current crop of multiplayer games, even ones with great game mechanics, are social experiences. Calling them a “story” would be like building a theater, getting the audience together, and then never putting on the play.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a well-designed multiplayer game, especially if it’s got a solid game mechanic underneath everything. But I know that games are capable of more than that; I’ve seen it. Wouldn’t it be great if I could play Counter Strike for a couple of hours and feel that I’d actually learned something, experienced something, or accomplished something greater than just getting better at Counter Strike?

I’d be the first to say I’m defensive about keeping story — real stories, not just settings or scenarios or interactive toolsets — in games. Obviously, the main reason is because I want to get the chance to make one, dammit. The work I’ve done that I’m proudest of has been writing for videogames, but it’s always been adding dialogue to other people’s stories. And they’ve been pretty traditional, putting what I like to think is a higher level of polish, but on an already established format. I want to try to come up with a new way of telling a story in a videogame, that shows more of what the medium’s capable of. If only to find out whether I really do understand how these things work, or if I’m just all talk.

The other reason is that I can tell you pretty much exactly when I decided I wanted to work in videogames. I was in college working on an ill-conceived art major after having given up on film school, and I bought The Secret of Monkey Island. I didn’t know anything about the game other than having seen the demo; it was a parody of Citibank commercials at the time, and it was the first example of videogame material I’d ever seen that was genuinely funny, not just funny “for a game.” Now that I had the full game, I went through the opening and finished reading the first few bits of dialogue, and then exited the bar. The screen said “Meanwhile…” and cut to a scene on LeChuck’s pirate ship. They were miles away, talking about my character and what I’d been doing. The scene finished, and the game cut back to my character, standing outside the bar.

Baby’s first cut-scene, a magic moment. It’s pretty standard stuff now, and in fact is exactly the kind of thing that videogame fans have become jaded about and are now railing against, but at the time it was genuinely mind-altering. It had never occurred to me before that going into computer science didn’t necessarily mean a future of creative famine. Or that something on a computer could be as satisfying an experience as a movie or a TV show.

And I think it’s significant that the big moment for me wasn’t when a game gave me the freedom to tell my own story, but when it took control away from me and said: this is the kind of story we’re capable of telling.

That’s all preamble, and it’s already too long. Actual ideas of how to go about it will have to come in other posts. For background reading while you steel yourself for the coming onslaught of baseless conjecture, check out: Ben Kuchera’s articles about storytelling in games currently running on Ars Technica, and Warren Spector’s article about next-gen storytelling in The Escapist.

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The startled gasp of a beautiful woman

It occurred to me I never did go on enough about how much I love this Sam & Max short, written by Steve Purcell:

The list of things Max loves is the best thing I’ve heard in a long time.

God bless you, Sam & Max. I’ll never forget all you’ve done here today.

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The Hits Just Keep On Coming

From the Rifftrax websiteThe whole Rifftrax thing has been accreting coolness like an asteroid belt; eventually I’m just going to have to be redirecting this site to that one.

What’s cool now is they finally got Mary Jo Pehl to do one. She played Mrs. Forrester on “Mystery Science Theater” (and also Jan in the pan from The Brain That Couldn’t Wouldn’t Die, and some other roles). And she’s always cracked me up. A few years ago, a bunch of the ex-MST3K gang wrote essays for a website called Ironminds, and hers were my favorites.

The downside: the movie is Glitter. And no matter how funny the commentary is, there are some movies that are still just too painful to get through. The Wicker Man was a miserable experience, and I’m not even going to bother with Battlefield Earth. But still, I have an obligation as a fan, so into the Netflix queue it goes.

Speaking of fan obligations, there’s the live Rifftrax repeat engagement at the Rafael theater at the end of the month, and I’m all giddy with anticipation already. It is a good time for mockery.

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Best news quote of the day

A somewhat gruesome story about a pair of Long Islanders keeping two women as “slaves” still managed to yield this totally awesome quote:

Authorities uncovered the alleged abuse after one of the women was found by police wandering outside a doughnut shop Sunday morning wearing only pants and a towel.

It’s awesome on two levels: a) police at a doughnut shop, obviously; and 2) the image of police wandering outside a doughnut shop wearing only pants and a towel.

Other police may say they love doughnuts, but the Long Island cops are hard-core.

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At least my name isn't Earl, I suppose.

I feel your pain.Now I know how the Geico Caveman feels.

One of my friends has been complaining that a Korean R&B singer has stolen her identity. I don’t know if one Korean singer is better or worse than an entire new series (warning: that link plays video).

The series, which I decree shall never again be mentioned on this site, is supposedly a “drama” about a “Computer geek by day. Government operative by night.” Here are excerpts from two descriptions, with the most egregious segments highlighted in bold:

Chuck Bartowski is just your average computer-whiz-next-door. He spends his days working for Buy-More with his band of nerdy cohorts, longing to find a woman who can appreciate him. But when an old friend, who happens to be a CIA agent, sends Chuck a mysterious encoded email, the world’s greatest spy secrets are embedded into his brain.
He never asked to become the government’s most powerful weapon, but the fate of the country suddenly lies in his unlikely hands. Hopefully, this won’t take away from his video game time! International terrorist plots, sexy spies and cold pizza – it’s all in a day’s work for our trusty hero…Chuck.

And from one of NBC’s press releases:

From executive producer, Josh Schwartz (“The O.C.”) and executive producer-director McG (“Charlie’s Angels,” “We Are Marshall”) comes a one-hour, comedic spy thriller about Chuck Bartowski (Zachary Levi, “Less Than Perfect”) – a computer geek who is catapulted into a new career as the government’s most vital secret agent. [...] Instead of fighting computer viruses, he must fight assassins and international terrorists. With the government’s most precious secrets in Chuck’s head, Major John Casey (Adam Baldwin, “My Bodyguard”) of the NSA assumes the responsibility of protecting him. His partner is the CIA’s top agent (and Chuck’s first date in years) Sarah Walker (Yvonne Strzechowski, “Gone”). They’ll keep him safe by trading in his pocket protector for a bulletproof vest.

Haw! Nerdy computer guys are named Chuck and they can’t find a woman and they work at Best Buy and play videogames and wear pocket protectors! And hey look — it’s 1985 and that stuff is still funny!

I wouldn’t be bothered by the series appropriating my name if it could at least come up with something original. (Especially since they’re also releasing a US remake of the BBC series “The IT Crowd,” which manages to tell the same jokes, but cleverly). Is it really this easy to get a pitch picked up for TV these days? Maybe the atmosphere is exactly the right time to pitch my series about how lawyers are unethical, or how LA TV executives are vapid and unoriginal.

Until then, the only way to dispel the stereotype of computer geek shut-ins named Chuck is to complain about it on my blog.

On the other hand, the new Bionic Woman series (warning: more video, but better) looks pretty awesome. I almost feel bad for making fun of it before. Granted, it looks to be almost as heavy on the personal drama as I suspected. I expect lots of “they can repair my body, but they can’t fix the damage to my soul!” But it’s also got evil cyborg Starbuck, which makes it okay.

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I just want a decent copy of this video!

My favorite commercial ever, back from when Cartoon Network was still cool, has been impossible to find for years. Once again, YouTube saves the day:

I would’ve been willing to move back to Atlanta and work for Cartoon Network all based on that one ad. And the one where Jinx the Cat is riding a big wheel like in The Shining. And the one where Moltar describes back-to-back “Sailor Moon” episodes as “one solid hour of all-girl action.”

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Thieves just like flies

All these characters and more appearing in Spider-Man 4!I don’t know when it was decided that comic book movie blockbusters were required to have multiple villains in them; I’m guessing it was during pre-production of Batman Returns when someone realized that more people would pay to see Michelle Pfeiffer in a leather catsuit than would be willing to see Danny DeVito dressed like a penguin. Good call there, but it set a bad precedent, and they really need to cut that shit out.

The biggest problem with Spider-Man 3 — there are way more characters than the movie can handle — is so obvious I can’t believe that they just didn’t realize it during the production. It’s more likely that somebody at Sony-Columbia or Marvel (or maybe it was even Sam Raimi himself) decided that there was so much money riding on the movie, they’d better cram as much as they could into it. Of course, the end result is a muddled mess that’s getting pummeled in the reviews.

It’s actually kind of a shame the movie’s getting such bad word of mouth, because it’s really not that bad. Or at least, for every bad thing it does (emo Peter Parker, hyperactive pacing, and it’s about an hour too long); it does something else well (disco Peter Parker, Bruce Campbell and Stan Lee’s cameos, and insistence on keeping the goofy character-development stuff). The action scenes are really well thought out and choreographed and are suitably over the top. But the editing is confusing and the effects seem rushed, so it all cancels out. I actually liked the big team-up scenes during the finale, but it took such a long time to set them up, it robbed them of any emotional value. Everything seems like it was better in concept than it is in execution.

For all the big movie franchise bloat, it definitely still feels like a Sam Raimi movie, and a Marvel comic (for better or worse). I don’t want to contradict Kirsten Dunst or anything, but the person keeping these things from being total flops is Sam Raimi. I don’t buy into the whole auteur theory, but the scenes that really work in the Spider-Man franchise are the ones that have the mark of Raimi’s style. In Spider-Man 2, it was Doc Octopus’s awakening in the hospital, filmed in full-on Evil Dead-style.

And in this one, it’s the insistence that Peter Parker is, above everything else, a total nerd. I know enough about Marvel comics to know the story about the black suit and the alien symbiote, and I’d read reports that Spider-Man 3 has a subplot (one of 1000, as it turns out) where Parker starts acting like a total dick while under the influence of the suit. I was fearing the worst, but as it turns out, those are some of the best moments of the movie. Simply because Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire are completely unafraid of looking stupid. So he takes advantage of women by insisting they make him milk and cookies, he sasses back to his professor, he struts down New York streets to a funk soundtrack only he can hear, and the worst offense of all — he steals the spotlight from Mary Jane by using his spider powers for an elaborate jazz dance routine. I’m sure if I were a 12-year-old who’d been looking forward to a big action movie, I would’ve thought it was “lame” or even “gay,” but I was loving it.

Clearly, there was a force fighting to keep the good, goofy fun in the movie. So why couldn’t they have fought to save Venom for part 4, and keep this movie down to a manageable cast? If you need to sell cool black-suit action figures, one of my friends had the perfect suggestion — introduce that stuff for the final showdown against Sandman, and then save the full story for the (inevitable) sequel.

Ah well, maybe the sequel will just focus on the Lizard, since they’ve had the guy sitting around for two movies now. If they’ve got to add somebody else, I vote for Kraven the Hunter, just because of the costume. Who wouldn’t want to see somebody having to wear that in a live action movie? I respectfully suggest Bruce Campbell to play him.

And my favorite line of Spider-Man 3: when the cops first spot Thomas Hayden Church as Sandman, and one of them says, “Hey, that’s that guy from the prison break.” Just because it sets up the obvious response: “No, that’s that guy from the ‘Wings.’ ‘Prison Break’ is a different show.”

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Jim Henson's Dharma Initiative Babies

Even creepier than dogs playing pokerYou’d have to be pretty cynical, or have already given up on the series altogether, not to think that this week’s episode of “Lost” was pretty damn cool. The guys behind the show have admitted to being big fans of Stephen King, which probably explains why this couldn’t have been a better TV adaptation of a Stephen King story unless it’d actually been based on a Stephen King story.

Jacob’s cabin was hella creepy, the kind of potential for surreal scares the show has been hinting at ever since the pilot episode. (But rarely delivering on). I could tell that this season has made me gunshy — when Ben was standing at the door and saying, “once you go through here, you can never go back,” I knew the ending credits were about to start. But hey, we were only 40 minutes into the show! They actually set something up and delivered on it!

More than that, though, is the fact that they’re finally showing signs they understand the balance between creeps and revelations you have to maintain to live up to the potential of the series. It feels less like a lot of hand-waving and “Ooh, look, isn’t that spooky?!? Really cool stuff is coming up later, we promise!” and more like they’ve finally got the balls to put their cards on the table and start coming to conclusions.

Of course, despite everything we were shown, there wasn’t actually a lot of brand-new stuff revealed tonight. Most of it just confirmed what we’d already seen or already suspected. The trick is in the presentation; seeing it from a different perspective made everything seem new and more significant. It’s easy to assume that Ben’s visions of his mother are from the same source as Eko’s visions of his brother (or Jack’s visions of his dad, and Kate’s horse). We finally get some confirmation that the Dharma Initiative is a different group than “the Others,” and we see what form the fight between them took. The whole business with the van and Roger Workman was too pat and contrived, but at least they snipped off another loose end.

Which hints at something clever, but frustrating, about what they did with this episode — by repeating some of the stuff that we already knew, they’re saying that these are the questions they want you to be thinking about. They’ve built up a ton of dangling plot threads over the years, and I suspect they’ve realized it’s going to be impossible to tie up every single detail the internets have speculated about. So they’re repeating the questions they have answers to, and telling us to just forget about the rest. The episode is called “The Man Behind the Curtain,” after all.

There were only two big new things in the episode: meeting Jacob, and meeting Nestor Carbonell’s character 40 years ago. (The cliffhanger was new too, of course, and I thought it was pretty well done). Again, the trick was in the presentation. The scene in the cabin was given a big build-up and made the focus, and it paid off.

The other meeting was just as significant for the questions it raised — obviously, why hasn’t he aged, but also, why isn’t he the leader since he’s been on the island for longer — but was treated a lot more casually. To me, that’s the surest sign the show’s getting back on track, when you can have a conversation that’s significant, but it doesn’t spend the entire time giving you music cues letting you know that it’s significant. It’s a sign that they’re confident they have enough story to tell, and they’re not forced to drag out every new minor plot element to make it last an entire hour.

And of course, the castaways are talking to each other again, for whatever good it does. Having them share what they know only solves half the problem; they’ve got to actually do something about it. And I tell you that Jack and Juliet better have one hell of a master plan cooking to warrant all the nonsense they’ve been doing for the past four episodes. The only time you see a couple of people being more annoyingly coy and smugly withholding information is when you listen to the “Lost” podcasts with the exec producers.

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Uncanny Valley

She almost looks real!In robotics (and increasingly used in talking about CGI), the term “Uncanny Valley” refers to the point at which the attempt to make an artificial character more human-like backfires, and the character becomes more repulsive and disturbing than realistic.

Scott McCloud gives a simple, easily understandable explanation for why this happens in Understanding Comics: humans naturally look for patterns, and we want to anthropomorphize inanimate objects to better relate to them. So we turn power outlets into faces, and simple combinations of lines and circles into living, breathing people. In fact, the tendency is so hard-wired that once we recognize a face in something, it’s difficult not to see it anymore. Your brain wants to fill in the missing detail.

But once that extra detail is supplied for you, your brain stops trying to turn it into a human and instead starts to focus on the details that make it not human. The glassy, unfocused stare, or the eyes that don’t blink, or the way the mouth doesn’t move quite right. And as a result, a bunch of simple shapes can seem more like a person than the real thing. Or the simple, stylized dwarves in Snow White are more convincing and relatable than the rotoscoped human characters.

“Heroes” is getting precariously close to the edge of the uncanny valley. When it started out, it was “the show you hate to love”: filled with corny attempts at symbolism, clunky performances, sub-par dialogue, but still completely engaging. If only for the promise of seeing somebody getting the top of his head sawed off, or a still-living person splayed out on an autopsy table, or a guy escaping kidnappers by leaping into the air and taking off like a fighter jet.

But apparently somebody at NBC just couldn’t leave well enough alone, because they started trying to make it into a genuinely good series. They’ve still got the gross-out shots and the stunt casting and the improbable plot twists, and are adding signs that they might actually be starting to understand what they’re doing. Annoying and unnecessary characters are being weeded out, or made less annoying. The show is spending less time marveling at itself, presenting super powers we’ve already seen as if they were these amazing and novel concepts that will just blow your mind; now, they’re actually fleshing out the characters and showing them using their powers.

The twists and revelations are actually getting pretty interesting. For a while it looked like Isaac’s power was just to paint like Tim Sale, but they added a great twist of having the supervillain’s paintings come out heavily stylized and demented. Last night, they did a genuinely creepy and effective scene that revealed the new villain’s power isn’t shapeshifting, but making people see whatever she wants them to see. And they also put an interesting twist on their main villain, having him kill people all season but horrified to discover that he may be responsible for the deaths of millions of people.

And one of the episodes that aired a while back, “Company Man,” has been getting a lot of praise for being a turning point in the series — it had the hokey twists and the big climax with the cheerleader having her flesh burned off by a nuclear blast, but also added real characterization and a surprisingly moving ending.

The problem is that as “Heroes” approaches a Real Live TV Show, you stop filling over the plot holes and ignoring the clunky dialogue, and start to notice its flaws. I shouldn’t have to care that the characters are able to recognize the Nuclear Man from drawings that don’t look remotely like him. I shouldn’t be thinking that the plot has gotten so convoluted that there’s absolutely no sense of cause and effect anymore; things just happen randomly. It shouldn’t bother me that people just pop in and out of scenes, often in locations hundreds of miles apart from each other, only to deliver a couple of lines of dialogue that don’t amount to much of anything. And it was somehow more fun when you got the sense nobody involved knew much about comic books; now, the references to Jack Kirby and The Watchmen seem forced.

None of that stuff used to matter, back when the show was just a cartoon. But they’re going to have to come to a decision at some point — the whole bomb in Manhattan thing is so convoluted and overblown at this point, that I couldn’t really care less about it. The real explosion is coming when the show gets to take itself so seriously that it collapses under the weight of its own hype.

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The Blizzard Effect

Tastes like a South Korean internet cafeWord on the street is that Blizzard is going to be announcing a Starcraft-themed massively multiplayer game at an upcoming event in South Korea. (For people who don’t know videogames, but are still reading this for some reason: Starcraft was a real-time strategy game released back in 1998. There was one expansion pack, but there’ve been no sequels, other than a spin-off game that was in development but never released. Even now, almost 10 years later, the game is ridiculously popular, especially in South Korea.)

The Penny Arcade guys make a good argument that the rumor is believable. Every time a person on the internet claims that Blizzard would be cannibalizing sales from its own World of Warcraft by releasing a competing massively multiplayer game, one of the Vivendi executives swimming through the corporate money bin lets out a derisive chuckle. And then asks his manservant for some more lotion, because the newer 100 bills can chafe.

Now, I didn’t like the original Starcraft, as much as I tried to. In fact, it’s a perfect example of My Real-Time Strategy Problem. It seems so much like a game I should like, especially because it has spaceships and lasers. But every time I attempt to play, it just ends in sadness. It’s not that I suck at the game, it’s just that it’s ultimately unsatisfying.

On top of that, I’ve canceled my World of Warcraft account out of frustration with the game and the simple fact I wasn’t having any fun with it. That game quickly lost any semblance of storytelling and just devolved into grinding levels and dealing with obnoxious people hopelessly fixated on increasing their damage per second by .1. And Starcraft devotees are even more hard-core than that; people “playing” that game get downright scary.

And on top of all that, I’ve got issues with Blizzard as a company, since they kind of screwed over a bunch of my friends (who’ve all gone on to better jobs, but still). They still get points for their continued Mac OS support, which can’t make any financial sense. But apart from that, they seem to have sucked all the fun out of videogames and reduced it to money and stat-crunching.

But here’s the disturbing thing: if Blizzard does announce a Starcraft massively-multiplayer game, I’ll snatch it up without hesitation. An engine like WoW’s but with a couple of years of extra development, plus a setting that’s potentially much cooler than orcs and dwarves — they’d have to include space travel, right? And with all their faults, the one thing Blizzard gets right is the first impression; for the first week or so, WoW was fantastic. Diablo 2 was amazing the first couple of times as well. That obsession with a perfectly-balanced game mechanic may doom all their games to tedium, but it also means that the introductory period is a hell of a lot of fun.

Right now, since it exists as a Schrödinger’s Game, there’s infinite potential for it to be awesome. What if they broke from the WoW pattern and actually made a massively multiplayer game based on an RTS, instead of Diablo with orcs? What if there’s a chance for real cooperation and strategy between players to accomplish a goal, instead of just solo level grinding or dungeons that reset as soon as you leave? What if it were a truly epic interstellar trading game, taking as much from Star Control and Master of Orion as it did from Starcraft?

Based on my past history with the franchise and the company, there’s a 99.9% chance that I’ll open the box just to find another dead cat of a MMORPG. But fortunately for Blizzard and Vivendi, my purchases are driven solely by that .1% of potential radicalness.

And incidentally: what the hell is wrong with the internets these days? An energy drink called “Zergling Rush” is such an obvious non-joke I’d expected to see hundreds of variants on it out there. I shouldn’t be having to Photoshop this crap myself, people.

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