It can make your head hurt

Everybody knows that when you’re faced with an overwhelming amount of work, not because of outside pressure as much as because you’ve been slow to get things done, the best course of action is to procrastinate some more. The past [...]

From Everybody knows that when you’re faced with an overwhelming amount of work, not because of outside pressure as much as because you’ve been slow to get things done, the best course of action is to procrastinate some more. The past couple of nights I’ve been hard-core with the procrastination; I did something I can’t remember doing in a long time: I just sat in front of the TV and flipped through the channels, watching whatever was on.

When you start channel-surfing after years of having a reliance on the TiVo, it really makes you stop and think. I just couldn’t shake the thought of how much research and effort and science and technology went into my TV setup.

Go back hundreds if not thousands of years, to when man first discovered sequential images. Then the discovery of persistence of vision, and the foresight to put those images together to create animation. Elsewhere, the principles of color theory that lead to the pointillist movement in art, and the ingenious discovery that the human brain can make up a complete image from discrete points of color.

Then there’s all of the genius that went into the discovery and use of radio waves and the idea of broadcasted transmissions. Research into sound and acoustics, so that a signal can be recorded, transmitted, and reproduced on a remote speaker. The study of phosphors, which can generate light when hit with electricity. The idea of representing information digitally, so that a single coherent image can be broken up into discrete pixels and then reproduced on a display device. The evolution of the cathode ray tube, which generates a complete two-dimensional image several times a second using a single beam of electricity that moves faster than we can easily conceive. Then the development of plasma and liquid crystal displays, which create images and animation on a flat surface. Not to mention all the technology that went into the construction of flat, high-resolution screens and tiny speakers and circuit boards.

On top of all that, there’s the study of propulsion and rocket science. And the evolution of that from the obvious applications like space exploration and blowing up people, to the ingenious idea of launching a piece of machinery into geosynchronous orbit with the earth so that you can transmit these digital images to far distant points on the planet almost instantaneously.

And all those centuries of research and toil and brilliant discoveries from the most genius minds of the human race all work together to bring us “Deal or No Deal.”

While we’re all contemplating the significance of that, I have to go use a bunch of miniaturized transistors that perform millions of calculations in a second, and ultra-thin liquid crystal displays and tiny radio transmitters that communicate with an extensive cellular radio network to provide instantaneous communication with points halfway across the world, so I can vote for Mario Lopez to win “Dancing with the Stars.” Slater’s got the moves, yo.

Flushed Away

One thing I forgot to mention: Flushed Away is a lot of fun, and I highly recommend it to anybody who likes Wallace & Gromit. It’s pretty dire for the first ten minutes or so; the whole thing has the [...]

At least Winslet remembered to keep her legs straight.One thing I forgot to mention: Flushed Away is a lot of fun, and I highly recommend it to anybody who likes Wallace & Gromit.

It’s pretty dire for the first ten minutes or so; the whole thing has the taint of DreamWorks about it, and you’re likely to believe that the whole thing’s been Shrek-ified. But about the first time you see a slug, the Aardman effect kicks in, and it’s all great from there on. All the voices are great (especially Bill Nighy as the albino rat and Jean Reno as Le Frog), the story’s even more solid than a “kids movie” needs to be, the character animation is perfect, and they even put plasticine textures on the model to distract you from the fact you’re watching CGI.

The Wallace & Gromit movies are more about being clever and inventive; this is all about being funny. And it’s surprising how well it works; jokes as corny as these (again, see “Jean Reno as Le Frog”) really shouldn’t work as well as they do. But it’s all in the timing and their willingness to go at it full-barrel. If you’re going to do a getting-racked-in-the-nuts joke, go all the way with it. And then do it again.

I can’t think of a thing I didn’t like about this movie, and I hope it’s a hit.

Spaz of War

I’m really not good at videogames. This seems hard for people to process, sometimes — considering how long I’ve worked in games and how much I go on about them, I guess it’s easy to assume that I’ve got some [...]

If I were playing, this would be a red screen with the option to start over.I’m really not good at videogames. This seems hard for people to process, sometimes — considering how long I’ve worked in games and how much I go on about them, I guess it’s easy to assume that I’ve got some acceptable level of skill at actually playing them.

More than a few times, people have asked to play a videogame with me. For my part, I always point out that I’m not good at them. I guess they assume that I’m being modest, or underestimating how bad I am, or even trying to hustle them. Even after we’ve started playing, their expression changes not to one of understanding, but of disbelief. I can understand not being great at games, but how can anyone be this inept? For that matter, how can he walk without constantly running into walls, or operate fine motor control such as required by writing without stabbing himself in the eye?

Which is another point towards saying that Gears of War is a pretty cool game. I’m astoundingly awful at it, and I still manage to like it.

The fact that I die every two minutes and have to restart is just one of the many reasons I should hate it. It seems like they took a list of things I hate about games and tried to fulfill every entry.

  • It’s by Epic.
  • In particular, by Cliff “Hey look at me I’m a videogame rock star and what? Videogame rock stars aren’t cool anymore? Guys? Guys, come back!” Bleszinski.
  • It’s been hyped to all hell, for what seems like a year now.
  • Including commercials that for no discernible reason use a cover of the song “Mad World.”
  • It’s a shooter.
  • In particular, a console shooter, requiring you to aim with a joystick.
  • You play as a tough-as-nails thick-necked military veteran who’s been wrongfully imprisoned.
  • You’re joined by a squad of other thick-necked army guys, some of whom don’t appreciate your lone wolf attitude.
  • The back story and world-building for the entire game, as near as I can make out, is simply that there’s a war against a bunch of ugly aliens.
  • The world has gear-themed art throughout, which doesn’t make sense, and they didn’t even attempt to provide context for it like Valve did with the lambda symbol in Half-Life.
  • The name doesn’t make sense (at least yet), as a game called Gears of War that doesn’t involve battle mechs is just wrong.
  • It’s by Epic. I really hate them.

But still, it’s just a solid game. If you’re following the “are videogames art?” debate, this is a point in favor of the “good gameplay is an art in itself, and games don’t need to be judged by the same criteria as movies” camp.

The whole game is based on the idea of finding cover during firefights, and everything works towards that. Pretty much all of your movement controls are designed to make your stupid character duck-and-run, press against walls or under bunkers, and jump or tumble to the next barrier. When executed well, it works perfectly. When executed like I play, it ends up with a lot of tripping over couches, running directly into the line of fire, or crouching right next to an enemy soldier and getting a chainsaw to the head.

It looks great, too. All the reviews talk about the visuals as being “stunning” and “better than a videogame has a right to look,” and you’d take it as hyperbole until you actually see it in action. They did a really outstanding job, and even better, it’s all in service of the game, instead of grandstanding visuals for their own sake. The character design is pretty stupid — impossibly thick barrel-shaped guys with soul patches and do-rags and earrings just like a bunch of suburban videogame makers imagining what “cool tough guys” would look like — but it’s consistent throughout and works well for what they’re trying to do.

It’s taken my attention away from Final Fantasy XII for the moment, which is impressive considering that that’s not only a more epic game, but it’s more my type of game in just about every way. And since I’m so bad at these things, it takes me at least twice as long as it would take a competent person to finish one. That’s gameplay value.

Chick movies

This week I had an inadvertent Mary Harron film festival, because I rented The Notorious Bettie Page and American Psycho without realizing they were both by the same director. You can understand my confusion — one’s a biography about a [...]

Typical bachelor refrigerator.This week I had an inadvertent Mary Harron film festival, because I rented The Notorious Bettie Page and American Psycho without realizing they were both by the same director.

You can understand my confusion — one’s a biography about a 50s pin-up star, and the other’s a horror/black comedy adaptation of a satirical novel about yuppies. But when you look at them back-to-back, especially when you combine them with the only other Mary Harron movie I’ve seen, I Shot Andy Warhol, you can see an oeuvre developing. They’ve got a lot in common: they’re all period pieces, they’re all driven completely by the stand-out performance of a lead actor (Gretchen Mol, Christian Bale, and Lili Taylor), they all show a pretty antagonistic relationship between men and women, and they’re all ultimately unsatisfying for reasons that are kind of hard to define, exactly.

My first reaction after seeing Bettie Page and American Psycho was that Harron has what I call the “Drew Carey Syndrome.” That’s when you’re hip enough to be able to recognize what’s cool — Carey was a fan of The Sims back when it was still fairly esoteric, and he recognized the potential of “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” and its stars and brought them to popularity in the US — but everything you put out yourself is just kind of… there.

But that seems like too harsh a criticism. I have a hard time finding fault with either Bettie Page or American Psycho — they’re technically well-made, the scripts are fairly solid and well-paced and competent, the period touches are dead-on accurate without being overbearing, there are plenty of clever visual touches that keep the movie interesting, the casting is perfect and the leads are given the opportunity to totally take over the part, and as you go through you get the feeling that Harron made all the right choices.

Still, at the end of each I was left thinking, “how has my life been improved by watching this movie?” And I couldn’t come up with anything. The Notorious Bettie Page ends up feeling just like a standard biopic, with (welcomed) nudity and some interesting visual touches thrown in. It felt like a performance — a great performance, but still without the feeling that I got closer to understanding or relating to a real person.

And American Psycho is more broadly a satire/black comedy, so you’re not really supposed to relate to the main character. But it still feels “off.” Maybe it’s in the subject matter; you get the real sense that Harron worked hard to keep the 80s references from being too obvious or heavy-handed, but she was too constrained by the book and was forced to keep that material in there. Mocking yuppies, and Huey Lewis and Whitney Houston, might’ve seemed fresh in 1991, but by 2000 it just seems so dated as to be irrelevant.

American Psycho works the best of the three I’ve seen, because it ends with some ambiguity and forces you to think a little about what you’ve just seen. Of course, I did have to watch the ending again with the commentary on, to make sure that the ambiguity was intentional, but then that’s what the commentary is for.

The thing is that I really want to like Harron’s movies a lot better than I do, because of all the stuff she gets right. As I said, all the technical stuff she gets dead-on right. And the performances from Gretchen Mol and Christian Bale are about as perfect as you can get. And the choice of subject matter is interesting, and the take on it is uncompromising. All of the movies portray women as people, with their own motivations and their own independent life stories, instead of just defining them by how they relate to men. Considering she was able to convey that viewpoint even in the on-the-surface-misogynistic American Psycho, that’s pretty impressive.

So it’s remarkable that any of those movies were ever made, and that they managed to come out as strong as they did. I just wish I liked them better.

I Don't

Ha! Boom! Suck on that witty post title, “Lost!” Looks like the show has finally hit me with the one-two punch: a mediocre episode followed by a long break to completely ween me of any sense of involvement in the [...]

Ha! Boom! Suck on that witty post title, “Lost!”

Looks like the show has finally hit me with the one-two punch: a mediocre episode followed by a long break to completely ween me of any sense of involvement in the series. It’s their own fault; they’ve been hyping this thing since even before the season started, saying that we were going to discover all kinds of stuff and it was going to change our perception of the series forever.

It didn’t do either. It set up a cliffhanger that has enough maybe enough weight to it to ratchet up the tension for about a week. Not two months. And they didn’t answer anything. Unless you count “which guy will Kate choose?” but really, who the hell cares? It’s an ensemble cast with smoke monsters and polar bears and electromagnetic machines and mysterious codes; don’t we have more significant things to think about?

I’m still going to be watching come February; I’d be lying to say I won’t. But this was just a huge triple-A Anti-Climax.