Maybe this is common for people who live closer to Golden Gate Park, but it’s still a novelty to me: just now a family of racoons (I assumed they were a family; I didn’t do any blood tests, but then again, isn’t family about more than just blood?) came trotting down the street in front of my apartment. Like the last stragglers of a parade. Albeit a very quiet parade, that concentrated on trash cans and reeled back in horror if they noticed any onlookers. So maybe a parade in support of abuse victims.

Seeing as how it’s 2am and I’m paying the same every month for this website whether I have something interesting to say or not, I thought it’d be the perfect opportunity to make a list. A list of Things I Have Seen On Or Around My Front Steps:

• Racoons (x3)
• Sandwich with two bites taken out, in ziploc bag (x2)
• Single-serving pudding container, half full
• Man in underwear, wielding baseball bat
• Dog poo
• Dog (?) urine
• Klingon (drunk)
• Obese lesbian with scalp tattoo smoking and talking on cell phone (regular appearances)
• Desk lamp (broken)
• Shoes (various)
• Teddy bear
• Dot matrix printer
• Man playing digeridoo
• Woman playing digeridoo
• Man with ten-foot long piece of molding, hitting every post, tree, and sign with it as he walks by, saying, “What up, G?” when he saw me
• Two children, one of whom asked me “How’s it goin’, bitch?” and the other one running back to apologize profusely to me
• Old woman walking her very old chow dog (both wear matching yellow raincoats when it rains)
• Restaurant delivery menus (various)
• Half-eaten rack of ribs (presumably pork)

The most mysterious thing is that none of the stuff stays there for more than an hour. (Except for the obese lesbian*, and possibly the pudding container. Coincidence?!?) I’m actually less curious about who’s leaving the stuff there than who’s taking it away. Note to self: inquire city services about C.H.U.D.s.

*Before anyone takes offense that I’m being too hard on someone for being either overweight or homosexual or a woman or whatever, I should probably point out that she leaves her cigarette butts all over the steps and when I try to walk around her to get up to my apartment, she acts all offended like I’m putting her out.