A Street of Wonder

Maybe this is common for people who live closer to Golden Gate Park, but it’s still a novelty to me: just now a family of racoons (I assumed they were a family; I didn’t do any blood tests, but then again, isn’t family about more than just blood?) came trotting down the street in front of my apartment. Like the last stragglers of a parade. Albeit a very quiet parade, that concentrated on trash cans and reeled back in horror if they noticed any onlookers. So maybe a parade in support of abuse victims.

Seeing as how it’s 2am and I’m paying the same every month for this website whether I have something interesting to say or not, I thought it’d be the perfect opportunity to make a list. A list of Things I Have Seen On Or Around My Front Steps:

  • Racoons (x3)
  • Sandwich with two bites taken out, in ziploc bag (x2)
  • Single-serving pudding container, half full
  • Man in underwear, wielding baseball bat
  • Dog poo
  • Dog (?) urine
  • Klingon (drunk)
  • Obese lesbian with scalp tattoo smoking and talking on cell phone (regular appearances)
  • Desk lamp (broken)
  • Shoes (various)
  • Teddy bear
  • Dot matrix printer
  • Man playing digeridoo
  • Woman playing digeridoo
  • Man with ten-foot long piece of molding, hitting every post, tree, and sign with it as he walks by, saying, “What up, G?” when he saw me
  • Two children, one of whom asked me “How’s it goin’, bitch?” and the other one running back to apologize profusely to me
  • Old woman walking her very old chow dog (both wear matching yellow raincoats when it rains)
  • Restaurant delivery menus (various)
  • Half-eaten rack of ribs (presumably pork)

The most mysterious thing is that none of the stuff stays there for more than an hour. (Except for the obese lesbian*, and possibly the pudding container. Coincidence?!?) I’m actually less curious about who’s leaving the stuff there than who’s taking it away. Note to self: inquire city services about C.H.U.D.s.

*Before anyone takes offense that I’m being too hard on someone for being either overweight or homosexual or a woman or whatever, I should probably point out that she leaves her cigarette butts all over the steps and when I try to walk around her to get up to my apartment, she acts all offended like I’m putting her out.

0 thoughts on “A Street of Wonder”

  1. Not that I know of, and no. But I did hear the magic of a child’s “what’s goin’ on, bitch?” And you know, cell phone lesbian… I’m just saying I wouldn’t be surprised.

  2. A month or so after I moved to the city, I heard a rustling at my ground floor window and I saw something moving outside. I ran to the kitchen, grabbed a big knife and opened the window, ready to cut someone.

    It was a band of raccoons. This was on the corner of Divis and Golden Gate.

    So I am backing you up here.

    I also came home one day to find a man face forward in the curb with his head cracked open. I think he was drunk. It was 5pm.

  3. Wow, the racoons I saw just recoiled when they noticed me standing there. I never would’ve thought they were capable of knocking people to the curb and cracking their heads open. I’ll be more wary from now on.

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